Questions.

[Warning: Ultra Long Emo Post]
I talked to a friend today. And I couldn't help it but let the past come floating back. Anger? Nope. But the feeling of pain and betrayal, definitely. Unanswered questions in my head? Tonnes! I'll list some for you to see what's going on in my head. No wonder Vu said I'm just killing my head, aving so much shit cooped up in this tiny brain.

Mr. Ex:

Did you like her so much that you had to 'keep on asking her to give both of you a chance'? (or so they say)

If you loved her so much, why did you come back to me? Was it because you felt that you still loved me after all? Or was it because I was just the easier option?

But if you loved me so much, how come you went to her briefly at the first place?

If you chose to come back to me because you realised you still loved me, then why do you still stray around as if you're keeping your options open while we're both unattached? Instead of being more focused on trying to mend things with me, without being so inconsistent with your hot and cold days.

You guys told me that you chose not to let me know back then about the both of you, because you cared about my studies. If so, why not put a little more effort and not flirt online with your nicks two days before my exams? Doesn't it just contradict what you just said?

If you had to move on, couldn't you play somewhere else? And not 'eat and shit at the same place'? Did you think dating my friend was a great idea?

If you really aren't 'considering your options out there', why get all technical with me about feeling that you do not need to clarify or explain anything to me? Got something to hide? I mean, the reason I ask you stuff isn't because I'm trying to control you! I'm just giving you a chance to clarify instead of guessing or jumping into conclusions, which of course leads to misunderstandings and possible cold silent wars. Whenever you do that, it just pushes me further and further because you're turning into someone that I do not know of.

Even til now, I don't understand half the things you do. And I've stopped asking, because I know you wouldn't explain, we would just end up arguing which leads to no conclusion. And I'm tired.

Even when you make the first move to be nice to me now, I'm starting to be doubtful. And afraid. Doubtful because I'm not sure of your real intentions. Afraid, because you might leave me stranded when you build a hope for me that we are going to slowly put everything behind us and work things out. And yes, I'll admit it. As much as I'm trying to be strong, I'm too weak to play these neverending games with you. I'd rather you just break my heart and tell me there's not turning back except for a friendship, and stick to it. Or, focus on mending things with me. And be honest if there were options. At least, I'd know what I'm up for.

Sometimes, you always seem to forget that there's two of us in this wagon. You get on and off whenever you want to, but never cared if I might want to do the same. Or if I'm ready for all the sudden changes you put me through. Three years, and you're still doing whatever you like. The only time I get what I want, is when you are trying to get what YOU want.

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Ms. Friend:

I understand that it might have been hard for you to tell me the truth. And yes, maybe he told you not to. But why oh why, did you still not try to explain yourself after knowing that everything was out in the open already? Did I not even deserve an explaination?

If the excuse was because he told you not to talk to me, you should have kept it that way and not message me to look for him. If not, it just shows that you are being selective in doing what you've been told to do. If you can bring yourself to approach me to look for him "because it's important", I'm sure you could have done the same, just to apologise. It just show how important this two things were for you. Our friendship was never worth a cent for you. And that still hurts me up til now.

Maybe you felt bad then, not being able to tell me the truth. But if it was me, I would have felt bad the moment I realised I had feelings for my friend's ex - esp if she still had feelings for him. Yes, of course technically you aren't doing anything wrong. One can tell me that there are no 'rights and wrongs' in the name (or rather, game) of love. But I still believe, that morally, it doesn't seem right. And in the 'code of friendship', it just seems all too wrong. Just go outside your current circle of friends, how would they feel if this had happen to them. It doesn't really matter all that much that he was the one pursuing you. Or kept on persuading you to give it a go. What matters is, you did want it in your heart as well. Even before your previous relationship really ended.

One could quickly point out that I did something similar, as I knew my ex's ex. But as a small defence, I was with him before I got back in touch with her. And from what I heard, she has already moved on. So at least no one gets hurt. But yes, still it is weird. My fault for joining the trend of 'friend-hopping' relationships.

How can you not feel like you've done absolutely nothing wrong to me at all? Even if you aren't 'tehnically' wrong, wouldn't you even care how I would have felt, when I found out everything? Or how was I coping with it?

And of course, even with the blog incident. I'm pretty sure you are aware that you contributed a little bit to how things got so ugly between everyone (I read it in your sms to someone). If you could feel bad about it, why just let him know but not me? It was me that you were making all the false or exaggerated accusations on.

I don't know. Maybe you felt that our 'friendship' was a lost cause and didn't want to risk making things worse between us and therefore, just chose to leave me alone even without an explanation or apology. But texting him back then about this, was just a waste of your time. If he'd cared, it wouldn't reach this point, would it?

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And that's what I've been trying to tell myself. If he cared, both of us wouldn't have reach this point. What's the point of caring only a little? It's just not enough! I can't settle with someone who only cares for me on a seasonal basis. Or when he's got no options out there. I need to be with someone who knows I'm the one he wants. And that I'm just not some backup option to run to. I need to be reassured that mistakes won't happen again. And not just someone who points out mistakes in our history in order to defend their current faults. Because, if you could explain your beliefs and principles of how things were wrong back then, why do it now? Aren't you just contradicting yourself? Two wrongs, really doesn't make one right. I need a guy that wipes the tears off my cheeks, not plant them on my cheeks in the first place.

Are you that person?

PS: I didn't write this to scold anyone of you. I'm sure that I must have contributed some faults somewhere in between. I'm not perfect, but at least I seem to be aware of it? These are just the questions floating around my mind for at least a couple of months.

At the end of the day, I can't blame anyone. Why? Because it's my own fault. When you let the same person hurt you over and over again, you're asking for trouble. It's your fault that you don't learn your lesson. It's your fault that you let it happen again. Your fault for not believing you could deserve or find someone better. Your fault for being so soft-hearted.

Maybe it's even my fault that I wasn't a good enough girlfriend. For the both of them - so as to put more consideration about my feelings and how things would turn out. Because of a short fling, many got hurt. Ties got severed. Wounds would remain. Who do you blame for the short term moment of passion? Just because of loneliness? No one. Shit happens, I suppose.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to me. My fault for my own stupidity. I let it all happen. And once wasn't enough for me, so I let it hit me over and over again.

So the final question is: At this crossroad, I'm at a halt. What do I do? Where do I go? To stay or to walk away? To follow the heart or listen to the mind? When something that feels so right is actually wrong, what do one chose to do? Yes, many questions all boils down to the same answer. And I'm lost. Answers, anyone?