It's Just Not Meant To Be.

All this while I've been telling myself that I'm going to move on. But maybe, I was unwilling to. I'm not sure how many times I need to put myself through pain before I take that one big step to move forward. Maybe, I was just unable to accept the fact that he no longer loves me. That he's moved on and is happy with her. Maybe, I kept believing that he still cared for me, and there was hope. At the end, I was just fighting for a lost cause.

These days, not only does it seem like there's no hope for us to ever rekindle what's left of us. There hardly seems like there is any hope left to even be close friends. And it hurts. Knowing that not only did I lose 3 years of everything I had in me, I've also lost one of my best friend that I've confided in for about 8 years.

Sometimes I feel like hating him so much, and I want him to feel exactly what I've been going through for the past months. Especially during the times he turned stone cold towards me.

Many told me that he isn't worth it, and I could find a much better guy than him. And a cousin said that once I find a better guy, I would never want to return to what I used to have. The biggest problem about this is I love him - it's not just about finding a better guy. And anyway, what if I NEVER find a guy that I think is much better than him for me to love?

I'm done crying. I dare not even cry in front of my friends or share what I feel anymore, just because I'm pretty sure they would be speechless and sick of seeing me being stuck in this rut. I feel sorry for the ones who put so much effort to cheer me up and try to make me move on while I am not making enough effort to change the situation I'm in. I'm sorry for not listening to the ones who could see what was coming from the start, while I foolishly found excuses to believe there was still a chance.

It's heartbreaking to know he's happily in love with someone, and that someone isn't me. And I can't help feeling envy to see him do things he did for her, but has never done for me. The cold hard fact is, maybe I just wasn't the one for him. He just didn't love me enough.

But I could deal with it. It just shatters me to see how he has changed towards me. He's cold towards me at times, no longer caring even as a friend, not offering transport or help even before I asked, like how he used to.

Does things need to change just because we're no longer in a relationship? Just because he has someone new? Maybe I gave myself too much credit, to believe that I would still be special to him in some ways, enough for him to care slightly more than a friend even if things couldn't work out between us in the past. After all, we're still housemates. Even if I found someone else, I knew that I can never stop caring for him. I would always be there for him if he needed someone. I just wished he could have done the same.

Am I being too self-centred to want that? Is it actually too much to ask from a guy? Maybe I'm being too naive to think that since I can do it, he should be able to as well.

Even fate/destiny or whatever you call it, is not on my side. I once thought I nearly lost something precious to me, and it found its own way back to me. Thinking that the best idea would be to keep it close to make sure I never lose it again, that was exactly what I did. But, somehow, it found its own way to part with me. And it's not even because I was careless and left it around! :(:(:(

Angeline said the same exact words in June 2005 when I told her about it - 'Sigh. Maybe it's a sign. It's just not meant to be.' Which was like a sword piercing through my heart. I broke down and cried when I heard those words back then, because I fought real hard to hold on to it then, and NOTHING went my way. And now, it's happening once again. And I just feel like giving in, and say I give up this time.