Past Reflection.

I know I haven't been sharing everything in here. Nor have I given enough details for some to figure out what is going on in my life. But then again, my close ones should know what's happening and that's all that matters.

Anyway it's been a busy month, so everytime I try to post something up, I get the guilt trip of wasting my time blogging away while I should be revising instead and everything will be saved onto draft mode hehe.

If I were to write this post at the beginning of the month, I would have been bawling my eyes out, being hurt and angry at the same time. I managed to find out about some things and got really upset. I was in so much shock, and my hand were shaking for a few good hours. Spent the whole weekend in full blast pain, and having my real friends dry my tears for me. I'm not sure what bothered me more. Knowing that my ex has finally moved on with a so-called friend. Or that, my friend has taken me for a fool and betrayed my trust. For nearly a month. Hell, I just knew it hurt back then. And it still does, whenever I think about it.

Any reason would just be defensive excuses for me, really. If they chose not to tell me earlier because my finals were around the corner, I'm pretty sure they would have been more discreet about their personal messages in their MSN. And knowing that my ex who was the one that made her keep it there for a few whole days, made me wonder if this was how he showed that he cared for my feelings or exams. And her pushing all the blame to him doesn't help, because I know she is a very strong-opinionated girl who wouldn't just listen to you unless it's something that she wants for herself as well. So, please don't underestimate me and assume I'll just take in whatever you have to tell me.

What hurts most was that I was given the impression that she had rejected him before, but he kept on pursuing her. Wow, he must really like her then. I guess if he has found someone he really liked, I'll be happy for him. But of course, I admit it hurts to know that, as I'm not completely healed yet.

What else? Well, it's enough between me and her. I left her alone once I knew, and I don't think she will be bothering me anymore on MSN etc, which is most probably the best thing to do, esp when I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life.

And then there was the shitty CPA results I had. I lost my ex's camera in a cab on the way to Lavish. Bumped into a friend who clearly seem to feel akward to see or talk to me. Ah, the works. Nothing good has happened, really. I can even come home to find Kooky's small pile of puke at the end of my quilt cover. That's just one of the few things I come across, nearly on a daily basis. Especially this month, it was like a bad luck galore for me. :(

And just last weekend, I've already posted an entry on some unpleasant surprises. Which was ironic. Because I received the call, the second I finished reading this in one of my daily horoscope forecast readings online - a daily routine of mine:-

You're definitely not on your game - and everyone around you is trying to think of yet another way to tell you all about it. Stop sighing, and don't pout any more. Your task now is to take your medicine, hibernate, lick your wounds and then give it another shot.

And then the drama unfolded a short while later. :/

Not forgetting, I managed to find out some things that pierced through my heart like a knife, just a couple of hours before my very last paper for the semester. Have you ever seen a person that goes in for a paper and weeps while doing it? Yeap, I have. The 3 whole hours, thoughts of them and the facts I found out, kept running in my head. So I think I screwed this paper. Heck, I think I shitted all my final papers this semester, having so much going on in my mind. Anyway, I'm just numb from all the pain, really.

I just wanna let go of everything and move on. Start a new life.

So, I was really looking forward to going back this holidays to rejuvenate myself, and start over a new life before I come back to Melbie once again. But woohoo, my bad luck streak has yet to end! I was caught in a jam on my way to the airport and arrived just in time for the check-in counter to close. So I could not board the plane. I even went to the airport again at night for a couple of hours, just to be a passenger on standby - hoping that some passengers would not board the plane at the last minute. Well, there was only one seat and it wasn't for me. Bah.

I felt really down. Texted my Melbourne babes about me not being able to make it onto that flight. Shwee asked me to join her at some Asian night event her friends organised and I agreed. Not because I am a clubaholic, but because I wanted company. Not be home, stuck in my own room alone without even having the pussies as company now. Music + dancing is always good. Usually manages to cheer me up esp with good company. :) June said I'm the champion - miss my flight, still can go clubbing. Cheh, as if sitting around mopping around would bring my flight back meh? If she was here, I'm sure she would personally drive me out to Shamiano or watever club it was.

And I would say, it turned out to be not bad. Not as crowded as most clubs, but all that mattered was that my girls were with me. Now, if June was around too, it would have been perfect. Talked to a few new friends, whom I met at Lavish and at a karaoke session that Pat invited me to, last Wednesday night. I would have stayed out a little longer and joined my friends at a home session, but for some reason, one of my gals from KL was worried sick about me and insisted that I go home early =.=".

Late at night, Bie offered to watch a movie together. I wasn't sure why he would suddenly offer such a thing, as he hasn't for quite some time. But since we were both bored and fresh awake, and I was still feeling the blues of not being able to go home, I agreed. He fell asleep by my side, and I didn't have the heart to wake him up to shoo him back into his room. Maybe I should have, since I was trying to move on. And it's not MY style to even LOOK like I'm hooking up with someone else's boy. Not that I care so much this time, not exactly my friend's boy, ain't it?

But yes, I must thank him and say that I'm grateful that he's been somewhat attempting to be around and accompany me since Wednesday. But I gotta admit that sometimes, I feel his actions confuse me a bit. Maybe he's just trying to be nice and care for me as a good friend. And I'm just over-analysing the situation. It's just that he seem to care more than the past couple of weeks, so I'm wondering why?

Of all things, I wouldn't want to be some sort of replacement girl for him, just because his chick isn't physically around to spend time with him. Or because she's been neglecting him etc.

No point pondering so much on these issues, I guess. I'm just trying to live life one day at a time. :) I guess I'd better start thinking how to spend this holidays.