I do not understand.

Friends drift apart right? It's not the best feeling in the world, but it's life. It happens, whether we like it or not. "Don't want to accept, also need to accept-lah."

You could make a fuss about it. But you have no right to make the person do anything about it, if they are not willing to, no? I don't think friends are obligated to explain everything. Of course if they do, it might ease the rocky friendship. And if they don't, just wake up and realise they are not worth being friends after all! It's already a huge warning sign on the 'importance level' of your friendship if you actually need to dig an explanation out of these people, right?

I'm not sure how I managed to get entangled in people's lives and drama. Nor do I want any, so please don't get me involved. Your issues, leave my name out of it.

I could have left it aside. But then, I already did. A couple of times.

Statements like:

1) I bragged about people offering to help me do something. BRAG, ok?
I'm not sure if you forgot, but it was you that asked if I still talked to X. I just said he sms me to ask me if my internet is fixed yet. But besides that, no. And i carried on the previous topic that I was talking about. How is that bragging?

2) Deciding to let it (our friendship) go because I, Elaine Ng Sze Yin, apparently have not changed. Hey, I did my best to be nice to you and accompanied you whenever I could. Whether you could tell or not, I was trying to be sincere all the way. You, on the other hand brought up so much drama behind my back, so I wonder who is the one that hasn't changed? Dating my ex while still talking to me daily wasn't enough during the first round?

And X must be a really great friend that whatever he's done so far still managed to get you to hope he will be close with you once again, while OUR friendship isn't.

I do not want to fight. That's why I brought nothing up before this. Tried to handle it the 'adult' way by swallowing my annoyance.

Now you want to push my patience further by accusing that someone was obviously 'too busy getting very much acquainted with the one person that i have repeatedly told u that annoys the hell out of me.'

Where did you go wrong?

1) If I annoy the hell out of you, why on Earth would you still text and msn me DAILY (before I found out what you did)?! It's not like I forced you at gunpoint to talk to me daily. I had rather you told me the truth about how you felt. If you get pissed about people lying to you, why do the same and put on an act in front of me and pretend nothing is wrong??

2) Whether you like me or not, that's between us. It doesn't involve anyone else. Did you like it when you got stuck in between two feuding friends before? So don't do the same and get someone to stop hanging out with me despite how much you despise me. Esp when they don't have any problems with me or my attitude. They can make decisions for themselves.

Shu & Angeline hardly meet up with each other due to their busy working lives. But of course, they try to make it a point to come out when I'm back as I am not around all the time. So during my short holidays, I'm temporarily the VIP in their lives. Some of my other close friends would do the same, if they could.

COME ON, THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON.

I come back for holidays, friends try to fork out time to see me for awhile also is a problem, is it?! My GOD. Not like we met everyday or something and it WAS a fact that X has been busy. And I don't think X owes you any explanation as a friend in situations like this, right?! Girlfriend, yes. But, friend? Sad to burst your bubble, the answer is no.

And once I post up pictures, all this drama started. Must I block the whole lot of mutual friends before I post anything up? I only need X's permission which was obviously granted before I posted them up. He might have asked me to just ignore this whole situation once again but he wouldn't stop me from saying anything as he doesn't force people to do anything they don't want to. And it's my blog. (And also, he's just a friend. He has no right to.)

I know he didn't handle things wisely before, but I'm sure the words 'just move on la' was clear enough to explain what's going on. The fact is you can't accept the clear truth even when it's hanging right in front of your eyes. I know it's normal to be in denial because I've gone through such 'empty hopes' stages before. But now, blaming back the whole issue on him lying etc isn't going to help. You're just digging your old wound and grave (of what's left of your friendship) deeper than it already is.

It's not easy to accept such cold facts but either way, you still need to deal with it - whether you like it or not. And again, I would much appreciate it if you leave me out of your gossips either way because whatever happened between you guys has nothing got to do with me.

Anyway, you don't have the right to accuse X of being cruel and heartless. What do you know about it? What you did to me wasn't cruel before? And obviously to show no guilt and sorrow for what you have done in front of X - making it look like I've asked for it all the way.

X left you feeling dejected as you have done nothing? Then englighten me. What did I do to deserve such treatment from you?

I wonder why am I still trying to talk some sense into you to see things a little differently. You obviously never think about the situation from other people's shoes but your very own.

Don't take this as a huge attack as it is not. It's for you to know what I've thought about the situation when you think that I'm aware of nothing all this while. If I wanted to strike a personal attack on you, I would have done this a different way.

A Moment of Truth.

Today is just a day I would like to make a mark. Because some truth hit me. All that I thought and believed were merely just an illusion.

I've been a fool, that's all I can say.

Same shit, different smell.

Why do I never learn? Sometimes, ignorance really is better. But if you never knew, you would just be deceived.

And it's about time I start learning how to be more of a bitch. I gotta be less gullible and stop being so naive.

I can't believe that even nice helpful gestures of mine, could be seen as weird.

I just wanna know what am I doing wrong. Am I just a joke? Does everyone hate me? The ones I care most for, always take what I've done for granted. Why is this always the case?

Finally, I've got my wake-up call. I think it's really time. For me to get rid of any hopes I had in me, in everything I believed in. I, am letting go of all. Because I'm tired. And it's all just not worth it.

Right now, I just feel a bit lonely. Worst still, I need to fake a smile up so that no one knows something is wrong and come asking me.

There I go. Now, I shall move somewhere else before I stink up the whole place.

Lies. Lies. Lies.

I ask myself again and again. Why is the man in front of my eyes, so different from before? Did I just not notice all these before, or have I somehow created a monster?

3 years. I gave him 3 years of my time.

And even now, I still manage to gather more and more lies that he's told me this year during our roller-coaster ride.

It may be just miscellaneous stuff, but if he had to do so much over small matters, imagine what he could do during the bigger matters.

I keep telling myself it's over. I would say I know it will be over. But when will it really be over? I guess I'm the only one stopping myself from moving on. For good. But if you were me, and were put through all that I went, could you?

And at the end of the day, is the pain I'm reliving again and again, worth it?

i Suspect.

It's one hell of a dilemma when the mind and heart doesn't agree with each other. Or when the heart just refuses to listen to that weak mind of mine.

I could find a thousand excuses, but does it really matter? Who am I kidding, at the end?

It hurts, and it still will hurt. Because there's not a day that I look back to remember what I actually meant to you, and wondered how come it took me so long to realise what a fool I've been. How talk is always cheap, and actions just weren't enough to convince me otherwise.

Obviously not the time to blog about what I've been up to, for the past two weekends.

Questions.

[Warning: Ultra Long Emo Post]
I talked to a friend today. And I couldn't help it but let the past come floating back. Anger? Nope. But the feeling of pain and betrayal, definitely. Unanswered questions in my head? Tonnes! I'll list some for you to see what's going on in my head. No wonder Vu said I'm just killing my head, aving so much shit cooped up in this tiny brain.

Mr. Ex:

Did you like her so much that you had to 'keep on asking her to give both of you a chance'? (or so they say)

If you loved her so much, why did you come back to me? Was it because you felt that you still loved me after all? Or was it because I was just the easier option?

But if you loved me so much, how come you went to her briefly at the first place?

If you chose to come back to me because you realised you still loved me, then why do you still stray around as if you're keeping your options open while we're both unattached? Instead of being more focused on trying to mend things with me, without being so inconsistent with your hot and cold days.

You guys told me that you chose not to let me know back then about the both of you, because you cared about my studies. If so, why not put a little more effort and not flirt online with your nicks two days before my exams? Doesn't it just contradict what you just said?

If you had to move on, couldn't you play somewhere else? And not 'eat and shit at the same place'? Did you think dating my friend was a great idea?

If you really aren't 'considering your options out there', why get all technical with me about feeling that you do not need to clarify or explain anything to me? Got something to hide? I mean, the reason I ask you stuff isn't because I'm trying to control you! I'm just giving you a chance to clarify instead of guessing or jumping into conclusions, which of course leads to misunderstandings and possible cold silent wars. Whenever you do that, it just pushes me further and further because you're turning into someone that I do not know of.

Even til now, I don't understand half the things you do. And I've stopped asking, because I know you wouldn't explain, we would just end up arguing which leads to no conclusion. And I'm tired.

Even when you make the first move to be nice to me now, I'm starting to be doubtful. And afraid. Doubtful because I'm not sure of your real intentions. Afraid, because you might leave me stranded when you build a hope for me that we are going to slowly put everything behind us and work things out. And yes, I'll admit it. As much as I'm trying to be strong, I'm too weak to play these neverending games with you. I'd rather you just break my heart and tell me there's not turning back except for a friendship, and stick to it. Or, focus on mending things with me. And be honest if there were options. At least, I'd know what I'm up for.

Sometimes, you always seem to forget that there's two of us in this wagon. You get on and off whenever you want to, but never cared if I might want to do the same. Or if I'm ready for all the sudden changes you put me through. Three years, and you're still doing whatever you like. The only time I get what I want, is when you are trying to get what YOU want.

***************************************************************************************

Ms. Friend:

I understand that it might have been hard for you to tell me the truth. And yes, maybe he told you not to. But why oh why, did you still not try to explain yourself after knowing that everything was out in the open already? Did I not even deserve an explaination?

If the excuse was because he told you not to talk to me, you should have kept it that way and not message me to look for him. If not, it just shows that you are being selective in doing what you've been told to do. If you can bring yourself to approach me to look for him "because it's important", I'm sure you could have done the same, just to apologise. It just show how important this two things were for you. Our friendship was never worth a cent for you. And that still hurts me up til now.

Maybe you felt bad then, not being able to tell me the truth. But if it was me, I would have felt bad the moment I realised I had feelings for my friend's ex - esp if she still had feelings for him. Yes, of course technically you aren't doing anything wrong. One can tell me that there are no 'rights and wrongs' in the name (or rather, game) of love. But I still believe, that morally, it doesn't seem right. And in the 'code of friendship', it just seems all too wrong. Just go outside your current circle of friends, how would they feel if this had happen to them. It doesn't really matter all that much that he was the one pursuing you. Or kept on persuading you to give it a go. What matters is, you did want it in your heart as well. Even before your previous relationship really ended.

One could quickly point out that I did something similar, as I knew my ex's ex. But as a small defence, I was with him before I got back in touch with her. And from what I heard, she has already moved on. So at least no one gets hurt. But yes, still it is weird. My fault for joining the trend of 'friend-hopping' relationships.

How can you not feel like you've done absolutely nothing wrong to me at all? Even if you aren't 'tehnically' wrong, wouldn't you even care how I would have felt, when I found out everything? Or how was I coping with it?

And of course, even with the blog incident. I'm pretty sure you are aware that you contributed a little bit to how things got so ugly between everyone (I read it in your sms to someone). If you could feel bad about it, why just let him know but not me? It was me that you were making all the false or exaggerated accusations on.

I don't know. Maybe you felt that our 'friendship' was a lost cause and didn't want to risk making things worse between us and therefore, just chose to leave me alone even without an explanation or apology. But texting him back then about this, was just a waste of your time. If he'd cared, it wouldn't reach this point, would it?

***************************************************************************************

And that's what I've been trying to tell myself. If he cared, both of us wouldn't have reach this point. What's the point of caring only a little? It's just not enough! I can't settle with someone who only cares for me on a seasonal basis. Or when he's got no options out there. I need to be with someone who knows I'm the one he wants. And that I'm just not some backup option to run to. I need to be reassured that mistakes won't happen again. And not just someone who points out mistakes in our history in order to defend their current faults. Because, if you could explain your beliefs and principles of how things were wrong back then, why do it now? Aren't you just contradicting yourself? Two wrongs, really doesn't make one right. I need a guy that wipes the tears off my cheeks, not plant them on my cheeks in the first place.

Are you that person?

PS: I didn't write this to scold anyone of you. I'm sure that I must have contributed some faults somewhere in between. I'm not perfect, but at least I seem to be aware of it? These are just the questions floating around my mind for at least a couple of months.

At the end of the day, I can't blame anyone. Why? Because it's my own fault. When you let the same person hurt you over and over again, you're asking for trouble. It's your fault that you don't learn your lesson. It's your fault that you let it happen again. Your fault for not believing you could deserve or find someone better. Your fault for being so soft-hearted.

Maybe it's even my fault that I wasn't a good enough girlfriend. For the both of them - so as to put more consideration about my feelings and how things would turn out. Because of a short fling, many got hurt. Ties got severed. Wounds would remain. Who do you blame for the short term moment of passion? Just because of loneliness? No one. Shit happens, I suppose.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to me. My fault for my own stupidity. I let it all happen. And once wasn't enough for me, so I let it hit me over and over again.

So the final question is: At this crossroad, I'm at a halt. What do I do? Where do I go? To stay or to walk away? To follow the heart or listen to the mind? When something that feels so right is actually wrong, what do one chose to do? Yes, many questions all boils down to the same answer. And I'm lost. Answers, anyone?

A Small Grunt.

As I've been slowly trying to pick up the pieces of my life off the floor, a double combo came and hit me on the forehead.

First, a random call from a drunk certain someone. Telling me all sorts of nonsense which would mean nothing by tomorrow morning. A call that hasn't come through for a couple of months. And suddenly, here it is. It's nothing, really. But flashbacks of memories - good and bad - all came back for a sec.

As I was still dazed, I was left with Kooky's pile of vomit due to overeating (that black Nigger's gotta know when to stop eating man!) to clean up. And when I came back to my laptop, I stared with disbelief at my screen when I received a MSN message from someone I would never want to hear from again.

She had the nerve to ask me if my ex was sleeping. And I had no idea, why would i just reply her with an honest answer instead of just totally ignoring her, or let the bitch in me come out full-on to deal with her. Maybe I'm just really tired and sick to deal with all this anymore.

But, it wasn't enough for her.

Th[i]s.[i]s.m[i]- °© [?] .?.LongLiveLove.? says:
he didnt reply my msg and pick up my calls, i got something to ask.

And went on to ask me if I'm SURE that he is awake. Anyway I told her I wasn't sure and just proceed to say that I hope she won't come to me looking for him everyday unless its a life or death situation. I think I've had enough disrespect from this already. Enough is enough.

Come on, am I being too much, really? Tell me if I am. But in my opinion, I think she's being pretty insensitive. She had no qualms of not talking to me since she had the nerve to put reesioning all over her MSN personal message to let me see during early June, two days before one of my papers, to be exact. She did not even once apologise for doing these to me. For not telling me the truth any earlier. She did not attempt to even explain herself at all.

I'm not saying that I would welcome her back and be all lovey dovey with her if she did, but at least I would know she did partly feel bad for what happened. But not even once, did I hear from her until now. When she finally can't reach him just because he might have fallen asleep. As if what was done before, didn't already hurt enough?!

Really, I'm numb. I'm not sure whether to feel hurt or angry at her. It doesn't matter, I suppose. I believe in karma. For you and that good friend of yours.

On a totally random note, I miss June. She left Melbourne this afternoon and I feel the emptiness already. At the end of the day, it's always her that is around for me and bothers to look for me. Ah, I forsee a lonely week ahead of me.

I'm just stoning in front of the laptop screen. So many thoughts. No idea how to express them out.

I've made mistakes in my life. I don't deny it. But of all things, I would never hurt or betray my good friends. NEVER.

But again and again, in my life and among the different circle of friends I've been in, something would surely come up. Usually not my direct circle of friends but nevertheless, people that I trust and always confide to.

I just feel SO sick of this.

Why is my life so full of drama these days??

Do you know it fucking hurts? To find out more and more things everyday? To know someone u still love have moved on with a friend that you talked to nearly everyday online? To find out that despite the couple of misunderstandings that has occured, I have accepted her explanations with no questions asked? Only to discover that she's taken me for a fool for a whole month?

I told you. Don't take me as a fool. Don't let me be the last to know. You agreed.

The fact that he has moved on, and that he misunderstood me, has hurt more than enough. Knowing the girl is someone I trust countless times, hurts even more. And to know that you couldn't respect me enough for this, has really crossed the line.

Only you would understand.

A little message to the three unique people in my life :)

Miss L:

I'll tell you what I think of you. I treated you nothing less than a good friend. That is why I confided in you for the past couple of months. And I trusted you with him. Even when I had my suspicions that something wasn't right between you and him, I gladly took your explanations, with no further questions. It was because I really wanted to believe that you are a sincere friend.

If you made an honest mistake, and accidentally leaked out what we talked about, fine. I can accept that. But to make it sound like I was intentionally speculating about people's past, is just unfair. Hell, YOU mentioned about things that I totally forgot about.

I may be thinking too much but I'm pretty sure you blocked me on MSN. It doesn't make any sense and I have no idea why? Doesn't matter. It's your choice. Have fun sms-ing with him everynight again.

***

Miss C:

I did not intentionally bring things up. To defame you. You should know me better than that. Sometimes things happen. You talk, the topic comes up. Just like how you would tell me things about your good friend. Now, if she was to found out you told me such and such, do you think she would have appreciated you telling me about her personal things? I didn't think so. Point taken?

If you're gonna be so sensitive about this, you shouldn't have done it in the first place?? I didn't even see it as anything negative but you are ashamed of it yourself. I apologised anyway and if you wanna take this like this, I can't be bothered. Just don't act like you're really innocent and hasn't shared news about your friends with me. You can block me all you want as well. And taking me off your friendster's featured friends list just because of this? Wow, real classic move. I thought we were grown ups.

***

Mr T:

I really thought that the talk we had two nights ago had took us to a better level. Things were clarified and I expected things to improve between us.

But, knowing that you actually tried to lie to me for her at first, disappointed me. I would have appreciated more honesty from you. Maybe I was too naive to believe that I deserved that much from you. And you know what? I really feel offended when people think that they can breeze past me with a lie when I can look right through them. I know I don't look like the smartest thing but I think I would know you well enough to know when you are lying and when you aren't. Sometimes I ask because I've giving you a chance to clarify yourself.

Anyway, it's good to know where you stand.

***

Now, do you see what kind of shitty things that are going on in my life? I'm pretty sure you've observed that a lot of my posts are pretty moody these days. I've been holding on to these thoughts for quite awhile. It was just the stupid revisions that were holding me back. Of course, I'm not saying I'm all right. But sometimes, these people only think about their own shoes.

I can't wait til the days just get brighter and I can blog like a pure bimbo.

Disturbing Discovery

Date: Thursday, April 12, 2007

Title: Fuck It.

Pain.

Once again, I'm in pain.

See, Steph. This is what happens when you lower that protective wall and completely trust and let someone in. No matter what they say, that they would never ever hurt you, it's all a load of crap. Sometimes, they don't even know that what they're doing is hurting you. So, why care anymore?

Fuck it.

Steph, be smart for once.

Put an ice box in the place where your heart once was.

*******

Sigh. That is a post by my little Steph, a girl I met during the Korea trip. After talking to her a number of times over summer in KL, I noticed that we had a lot in common despite the 6 years gap. Which is great and a tad scary. Just a little worried that she'll end up being just like me, which isn't exactly a good thing.

Anyway, what bothers me the most was this post spoke my mind..on the exact date. o_O Creepy!