There are just some issues going on, which I am not sure whether it's all that serious to be. Or not.
Either way, I am still silently aching, sleeping through the pain.
To make matters worse, I just found out a lil' something moments ago. And well, I think it bothered me more than I thought it would have. It's not my problem, but...yeah...it's something I still care about. Can't seem to put a finger on how I exactly feel right now about it. Either way, it doesn't change anything. I knew it was gonna happen sooner or later.
Just that, I rather it be much later. Or better still, not at all haha. I guess god has been pretty kind to me. Could have been earlier :/
Okay, bedtime. Tomorrow will be a much better day.
Showing posts with label Self-Reflection And Emo-ness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-Reflection And Emo-ness. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
A sign of PMS, once again.
Yesterday, Ming was just looking through the photos on my current laptop. And then, he stumbled across some old pictures.
Ming: Who is she?
Me: Someone that used to be a friend.
Ming: *observes the photos* Wow, you two were really pretty close back then, huh?
Me: Yeah, we were.
Ming: These photos were pretty recent.
Me: Well, we haven't talked since April.
Friend: What happened?
Me: I'll tell you about it later *pretends to be busy with housework*
But never did. Why tell someone about it when you yourself don't understand how things can turn so badly? Esp, for a guy that I never even intended to like. Was it worth it? I don't think so. But with all the damages done, things can never go back to the way it was anymore.
On days like this when things related to you pop up, I feel a little sad. But, only just a little. Sad because, it made me miss the good times we had when we chat and meet up. Because I wanted to believe those were coming sincerely from you. I guess I'll never find out now.
If you're wondering about the same on my side - Yes, or I wouldn't have bothered to share so much with you.
But we've all moved on and have our own circle of friends. I guess I should be happy for all of us. Because after half a year later, we are minding our own businesses and not interfering with each other's lives anymore, I hope. Since I haven't bothered you for quite awhile, I hope you would return me the favour. Because it will always find its way to me, and it'll upset me to know that we're still not above that issue, and that you still stand on your grounds and not realise the past mistakes you contributed to.
Yes, I sound abit emo sial today. Period coming soon :/
Ming: Who is she?
Me: Someone that used to be a friend.
Ming: *observes the photos* Wow, you two were really pretty close back then, huh?
Me: Yeah, we were.
Ming: These photos were pretty recent.
Me: Well, we haven't talked since April.
Friend: What happened?
Me: I'll tell you about it later *pretends to be busy with housework*
But never did. Why tell someone about it when you yourself don't understand how things can turn so badly? Esp, for a guy that I never even intended to like. Was it worth it? I don't think so. But with all the damages done, things can never go back to the way it was anymore.
On days like this when things related to you pop up, I feel a little sad. But, only just a little. Sad because, it made me miss the good times we had when we chat and meet up. Because I wanted to believe those were coming sincerely from you. I guess I'll never find out now.
If you're wondering about the same on my side - Yes, or I wouldn't have bothered to share so much with you.
But we've all moved on and have our own circle of friends. I guess I should be happy for all of us. Because after half a year later, we are minding our own businesses and not interfering with each other's lives anymore, I hope. Since I haven't bothered you for quite awhile, I hope you would return me the favour. Because it will always find its way to me, and it'll upset me to know that we're still not above that issue, and that you still stand on your grounds and not realise the past mistakes you contributed to.
Yes, I sound abit emo sial today. Period coming soon :/
Friday, October 03, 2008
Maybe, you can shrug me off as a drama queen. Or, being over-sensitive. But after what I've gone through, I think I deserve just a little bit of right to vent out my thoughts every now and then.
I'll like to be the bigger person at heart and ignore everything that comes along, but unfortunately, I can't.
Despite the progress I've made til this far, I can't just wipe the people and things that used to be in my life - the people that meant the world to me, the things that used to matter to me.
No, I'm not trying to analyse or ponder on issues like who did who wrong. Who cheated on who, who broke whose heart, and who betrayed who. If things like that can happen more than once, such relationships and friendships most probably wouldn't be worth keeping, don't you think?
But what bothers me - is that we're all meant to be adults. I don't expect us to be holding hands while skipping towards the sunset at the end of all the past drama, but really, did it require MSN blocking, or for my tiny name to be deleted off your friendster/facebook list? And including the people that are somewhat associated with me? Was it necessary?
Someone might come and say 'aiyah, such a small issue!'. Exactly, it's such a small thing and yet you made such an effort to look for my name in the midst of the hundreds, and click 'delete' or 'block'. I'm not exactly sure whether to be flattered, because it might have meant I had such an impact on you that you couldn't even bear seeing my name anywhere.
For the ones that deleted me off out of their lives totally, I wish you happiness and full of luck in the future. Because, without luck, you will be nowhere near successful since you can't handle such minor matters.
For the ones that decided to block me on MSN, I've decided to clean you off MY list. Obviously, you're not much involved in my circle of friends anymore so I don't think it's necessary for us to be updated with each other's lives, only for pure gossip's sake.
You know, just in case I go back to KL and take photos with Mr. X, there might be another huge outbreak of photo scandals and questions of whether I'm romantically involved with Mr. X or Y. And I really don't need that sort of attention or concern.
Obviously, you can't see the things and damages you have caused to what could have been a great friendship. And to continuously try to take a stab at my name, again and again (behind my back, thinking I wouldn't know it) indicates that there are no signs of guilt and remorse in you at all. So, there's nothing left to say between us anymore.
And the ones that blocked me on MSN for no proper reason, I've decided to do the same anyway. Because if you can block me and stop talking to me when you're not even supposed to be directly involved, you're just not worth that space in my list. Why give you access to the pieces of my life?
I can't help wondering asking such bimbos, how were you involved in this, to see the need to block me. And only if you knew the things I knew that was said behind you...hohoho. Just feels like...you're sleeping with the enemy or something.
Oh well, don't take it personally. I'm just doing what my ex is doing. Clean up our current lives and get rid of the unnecessary mess we left behind.
Now that I've done what I think is needed and vented out my thoughts, I can attempt to be an adult and be mature again. Bye!
I'll like to be the bigger person at heart and ignore everything that comes along, but unfortunately, I can't.
Despite the progress I've made til this far, I can't just wipe the people and things that used to be in my life - the people that meant the world to me, the things that used to matter to me.
No, I'm not trying to analyse or ponder on issues like who did who wrong. Who cheated on who, who broke whose heart, and who betrayed who. If things like that can happen more than once, such relationships and friendships most probably wouldn't be worth keeping, don't you think?
But what bothers me - is that we're all meant to be adults. I don't expect us to be holding hands while skipping towards the sunset at the end of all the past drama, but really, did it require MSN blocking, or for my tiny name to be deleted off your friendster/facebook list? And including the people that are somewhat associated with me? Was it necessary?
Someone might come and say 'aiyah, such a small issue!'. Exactly, it's such a small thing and yet you made such an effort to look for my name in the midst of the hundreds, and click 'delete' or 'block'. I'm not exactly sure whether to be flattered, because it might have meant I had such an impact on you that you couldn't even bear seeing my name anywhere.
For the ones that deleted me off out of their lives totally, I wish you happiness and full of luck in the future. Because, without luck, you will be nowhere near successful since you can't handle such minor matters.
For the ones that decided to block me on MSN, I've decided to clean you off MY list. Obviously, you're not much involved in my circle of friends anymore so I don't think it's necessary for us to be updated with each other's lives, only for pure gossip's sake.
You know, just in case I go back to KL and take photos with Mr. X, there might be another huge outbreak of photo scandals and questions of whether I'm romantically involved with Mr. X or Y. And I really don't need that sort of attention or concern.
Obviously, you can't see the things and damages you have caused to what could have been a great friendship. And to continuously try to take a stab at my name, again and again (behind my back, thinking I wouldn't know it) indicates that there are no signs of guilt and remorse in you at all. So, there's nothing left to say between us anymore.
And the ones that blocked me on MSN for no proper reason, I've decided to do the same anyway. Because if you can block me and stop talking to me when you're not even supposed to be directly involved, you're just not worth that space in my list. Why give you access to the pieces of my life?
I can't help wondering asking such bimbos, how were you involved in this, to see the need to block me. And only if you knew the things I knew that was said behind you...hohoho. Just feels like...you're sleeping with the enemy or something.
Oh well, don't take it personally. I'm just doing what my ex is doing. Clean up our current lives and get rid of the unnecessary mess we left behind.
Now that I've done what I think is needed and vented out my thoughts, I can attempt to be an adult and be mature again. Bye!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
I do not understand.
Friends drift apart right? It's not the best feeling in the world, but it's life. It happens, whether we like it or not. "Don't want to accept, also need to accept-lah."
You could make a fuss about it. But you have no right to make the person do anything about it, if they are not willing to, no? I don't think friends are obligated to explain everything. Of course if they do, it might ease the rocky friendship. And if they don't, just wake up and realise they are not worth being friends after all! It's already a huge warning sign on the 'importance level' of your friendship if you actually need to dig an explanation out of these people, right?
I'm not sure how I managed to get entangled in people's lives and drama. Nor do I want any, so please don't get me involved. Your issues, leave my name out of it.
I could have left it aside. But then, I already did. A couple of times.
Statements like:
1) I bragged about people offering to help me do something. BRAG, ok?
I'm not sure if you forgot, but it was you that asked if I still talked to X. I just said he sms me to ask me if my internet is fixed yet. But besides that, no. And i carried on the previous topic that I was talking about. How is that bragging?
2) Deciding to let it (our friendship) go because I, Elaine Ng Sze Yin, apparently have not changed. Hey, I did my best to be nice to you and accompanied you whenever I could. Whether you could tell or not, I was trying to be sincere all the way. You, on the other hand brought up so much drama behind my back, so I wonder who is the one that hasn't changed? Dating my ex while still talking to me daily wasn't enough during the first round?
And X must be a really great friend that whatever he's done so far still managed to get you to hope he will be close with you once again, while OUR friendship isn't.
I do not want to fight. That's why I brought nothing up before this. Tried to handle it the 'adult' way by swallowing my annoyance.
Now you want to push my patience further by accusing that someone was obviously 'too busy getting very much acquainted with the one person that i have repeatedly told u that annoys the hell out of me.'
Where did you go wrong?
1) If I annoy the hell out of you, why on Earth would you still text and msn me DAILY (before I found out what you did)?! It's not like I forced you at gunpoint to talk to me daily. I had rather you told me the truth about how you felt. If you get pissed about people lying to you, why do the same and put on an act in front of me and pretend nothing is wrong??
2) Whether you like me or not, that's between us. It doesn't involve anyone else. Did you like it when you got stuck in between two feuding friends before? So don't do the same and get someone to stop hanging out with me despite how much you despise me. Esp when they don't have any problems with me or my attitude. They can make decisions for themselves.
Shu & Angeline hardly meet up with each other due to their busy working lives. But of course, they try to make it a point to come out when I'm back as I am not around all the time. So during my short holidays, I'm temporarily the VIP in their lives. Some of my other close friends would do the same, if they could.
COME ON, THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON.
I come back for holidays, friends try to fork out time to see me for awhile also is a problem, is it?! My GOD. Not like we met everyday or something and it WAS a fact that X has been busy. And I don't think X owes you any explanation as a friend in situations like this, right?! Girlfriend, yes. But, friend? Sad to burst your bubble, the answer is no.
And once I post up pictures, all this drama started. Must I block the whole lot of mutual friends before I post anything up? I only need X's permission which was obviously granted before I posted them up. He might have asked me to just ignore this whole situation once again but he wouldn't stop me from saying anything as he doesn't force people to do anything they don't want to. And it's my blog. (And also, he's just a friend. He has no right to.)
I know he didn't handle things wisely before, but I'm sure the words 'just move on la' was clear enough to explain what's going on. The fact is you can't accept the clear truth even when it's hanging right in front of your eyes. I know it's normal to be in denial because I've gone through such 'empty hopes' stages before. But now, blaming back the whole issue on him lying etc isn't going to help. You're just digging your old wound and grave (of what's left of your friendship) deeper than it already is.
It's not easy to accept such cold facts but either way, you still need to deal with it - whether you like it or not. And again, I would much appreciate it if you leave me out of your gossips either way because whatever happened between you guys has nothing got to do with me.
Anyway, you don't have the right to accuse X of being cruel and heartless. What do you know about it? What you did to me wasn't cruel before? And obviously to show no guilt and sorrow for what you have done in front of X - making it look like I've asked for it all the way.
X left you feeling dejected as you have done nothing? Then englighten me. What did I do to deserve such treatment from you?
I wonder why am I still trying to talk some sense into you to see things a little differently. You obviously never think about the situation from other people's shoes but your very own.
Don't take this as a huge attack as it is not. It's for you to know what I've thought about the situation when you think that I'm aware of nothing all this while. If I wanted to strike a personal attack on you, I would have done this a different way.
You could make a fuss about it. But you have no right to make the person do anything about it, if they are not willing to, no? I don't think friends are obligated to explain everything. Of course if they do, it might ease the rocky friendship. And if they don't, just wake up and realise they are not worth being friends after all! It's already a huge warning sign on the 'importance level' of your friendship if you actually need to dig an explanation out of these people, right?
I'm not sure how I managed to get entangled in people's lives and drama. Nor do I want any, so please don't get me involved. Your issues, leave my name out of it.
I could have left it aside. But then, I already did. A couple of times.
Statements like:
1) I bragged about people offering to help me do something. BRAG, ok?
I'm not sure if you forgot, but it was you that asked if I still talked to X. I just said he sms me to ask me if my internet is fixed yet. But besides that, no. And i carried on the previous topic that I was talking about. How is that bragging?
2) Deciding to let it (our friendship) go because I, Elaine Ng Sze Yin, apparently have not changed. Hey, I did my best to be nice to you and accompanied you whenever I could. Whether you could tell or not, I was trying to be sincere all the way. You, on the other hand brought up so much drama behind my back, so I wonder who is the one that hasn't changed? Dating my ex while still talking to me daily wasn't enough during the first round?
And X must be a really great friend that whatever he's done so far still managed to get you to hope he will be close with you once again, while OUR friendship isn't.
I do not want to fight. That's why I brought nothing up before this. Tried to handle it the 'adult' way by swallowing my annoyance.
Now you want to push my patience further by accusing that someone was obviously 'too busy getting very much acquainted with the one person that i have repeatedly told u that annoys the hell out of me.'
Where did you go wrong?
1) If I annoy the hell out of you, why on Earth would you still text and msn me DAILY (before I found out what you did)?! It's not like I forced you at gunpoint to talk to me daily. I had rather you told me the truth about how you felt. If you get pissed about people lying to you, why do the same and put on an act in front of me and pretend nothing is wrong??
2) Whether you like me or not, that's between us. It doesn't involve anyone else. Did you like it when you got stuck in between two feuding friends before? So don't do the same and get someone to stop hanging out with me despite how much you despise me. Esp when they don't have any problems with me or my attitude. They can make decisions for themselves.
Shu & Angeline hardly meet up with each other due to their busy working lives. But of course, they try to make it a point to come out when I'm back as I am not around all the time. So during my short holidays, I'm temporarily the VIP in their lives. Some of my other close friends would do the same, if they could.
COME ON, THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON.
I come back for holidays, friends try to fork out time to see me for awhile also is a problem, is it?! My GOD. Not like we met everyday or something and it WAS a fact that X has been busy. And I don't think X owes you any explanation as a friend in situations like this, right?! Girlfriend, yes. But, friend? Sad to burst your bubble, the answer is no.
And once I post up pictures, all this drama started. Must I block the whole lot of mutual friends before I post anything up? I only need X's permission which was obviously granted before I posted them up. He might have asked me to just ignore this whole situation once again but he wouldn't stop me from saying anything as he doesn't force people to do anything they don't want to. And it's my blog. (And also, he's just a friend. He has no right to.)
I know he didn't handle things wisely before, but I'm sure the words 'just move on la' was clear enough to explain what's going on. The fact is you can't accept the clear truth even when it's hanging right in front of your eyes. I know it's normal to be in denial because I've gone through such 'empty hopes' stages before. But now, blaming back the whole issue on him lying etc isn't going to help. You're just digging your old wound and grave (of what's left of your friendship) deeper than it already is.
It's not easy to accept such cold facts but either way, you still need to deal with it - whether you like it or not. And again, I would much appreciate it if you leave me out of your gossips either way because whatever happened between you guys has nothing got to do with me.
Anyway, you don't have the right to accuse X of being cruel and heartless. What do you know about it? What you did to me wasn't cruel before? And obviously to show no guilt and sorrow for what you have done in front of X - making it look like I've asked for it all the way.
X left you feeling dejected as you have done nothing? Then englighten me. What did I do to deserve such treatment from you?
I wonder why am I still trying to talk some sense into you to see things a little differently. You obviously never think about the situation from other people's shoes but your very own.
Don't take this as a huge attack as it is not. It's for you to know what I've thought about the situation when you think that I'm aware of nothing all this while. If I wanted to strike a personal attack on you, I would have done this a different way.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Nolstagic
Since I had heaps of cap usage left before my bill cycle ends, I decided to use it to listen to my voice messages. I realised that I didn't listen to them since April 2007. Gosh, no wonder it's hit the maximum of 99 messages!
Surprisingly, the first voice message came from someone that I least expected. I was stunned for awhile, but it felt nolstagic 'listening' to pieces of your past. It felt soothing and somehow comforting. There were some that were quite funny and put a big smile on my face.
Although I know it's been said that we should always look forward instead of turning back to see what you left behind or 'what was', I can't help missing parts of the past that brought me to where I am today. Memories that will always stay, and put a smile on your face whenever you think about it.
Surprisingly, the first voice message came from someone that I least expected. I was stunned for awhile, but it felt nolstagic 'listening' to pieces of your past. It felt soothing and somehow comforting. There were some that were quite funny and put a big smile on my face.
Although I know it's been said that we should always look forward instead of turning back to see what you left behind or 'what was', I can't help missing parts of the past that brought me to where I am today. Memories that will always stay, and put a smile on your face whenever you think about it.
PS: Edmund, Steph, June & I went to The Mint for a short round of drinks this evening. Here's a photo we took the last time we went there - before June started work.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
My Laptop's Asked For A Break From Me. Indefinitely.
First, it was the Internet. I had the laptop, but Internet just wouldn't work on my laptop at home.
Now that I have Internet, I haven't got a proper laptop to work on! Omg :(:(:( It's my fault, really. My laptop fell on the floor and now it's running purely on battery. It just won't detect the power source. So once the battery runs flat, I can say bye to it for now. This is like the most deadly curse for someone who practically lives by her computer, music and MsN everyday :*(
I'm not sure if my laptop's still being covered under warranty or not. If getting it fixed is gonna be extremely costly here, I might as well get my dad to buy me a new one and send it over :D But I STILL want all the stuff on my laptop~
Anyway, Steph caught me posting something here and said 'Remember to mention about my name yeah. Say something nice'. Oh well, here goes nothing:
Steph. Something Nice. :D:D:D
Until my money is finally transferred into my savings account tomorrow, I am officially still living with AUD50 in my account (after withdrawal).
Ah, so many warehouse sales and things to buy for myself and friends this coming week. Right before my exams too! This is bad. :(
I have no photos to post up, as this is not my laptop. Let's hope I can get my laptop issue fixed really soon. I bumped into my exe's friend the other day and told him that I screwed my laptop up. All he suggested was to have my ex fix it. -_-" He's gotta be kidding me. That ass wouldn't even fix it for me even if his life depended on it. He'll most probably ask me to 'fix my own shit' once again.
Come on, I just found out a few days ago that he deleted me off Facebook! How lame is that?! He's suppposed to be 27 this year. Not a 7-year-old kid! (That means I started going out with him when he was '4'. Now that explains all the things that happen the way it did before..) Yeah, deleting me off is gonna make a huge difference for him and his girl in their melodiously perfect and delusional world. Haven't they heard that no matter what they do now, wouldn't erase all the memories we had before. Even if he deleted all our photos in the past, he can't just FORGET every single thing. 3 years, mate, not 3 days. I just find it a tad insulting for me that all my sacrifices in these time wasn't worth being your friend - even on Facebook! DIU.
Fine, fine. Not gonna give a shit. Just wanted to let you know how stupid he CAN be lately.
I've been staying over at June's nearly every night for the past week. It's nice and cosy and I reckon I get to read abit more, and feels to have some company around at the same time. Okay, gonna head out soon. Getting hungry. BYE.
Now that I have Internet, I haven't got a proper laptop to work on! Omg :(:(:( It's my fault, really. My laptop fell on the floor and now it's running purely on battery. It just won't detect the power source. So once the battery runs flat, I can say bye to it for now. This is like the most deadly curse for someone who practically lives by her computer, music and MsN everyday :*(
I'm not sure if my laptop's still being covered under warranty or not. If getting it fixed is gonna be extremely costly here, I might as well get my dad to buy me a new one and send it over :D But I STILL want all the stuff on my laptop~
Anyway, Steph caught me posting something here and said 'Remember to mention about my name yeah. Say something nice'. Oh well, here goes nothing:
Steph. Something Nice. :D:D:D
Until my money is finally transferred into my savings account tomorrow, I am officially still living with AUD50 in my account (after withdrawal).
Ah, so many warehouse sales and things to buy for myself and friends this coming week. Right before my exams too! This is bad. :(
I have no photos to post up, as this is not my laptop. Let's hope I can get my laptop issue fixed really soon. I bumped into my exe's friend the other day and told him that I screwed my laptop up. All he suggested was to have my ex fix it. -_-" He's gotta be kidding me. That ass wouldn't even fix it for me even if his life depended on it. He'll most probably ask me to 'fix my own shit' once again.
Come on, I just found out a few days ago that he deleted me off Facebook! How lame is that?! He's suppposed to be 27 this year. Not a 7-year-old kid! (That means I started going out with him when he was '4'. Now that explains all the things that happen the way it did before..) Yeah, deleting me off is gonna make a huge difference for him and his girl in their melodiously perfect and delusional world. Haven't they heard that no matter what they do now, wouldn't erase all the memories we had before. Even if he deleted all our photos in the past, he can't just FORGET every single thing. 3 years, mate, not 3 days. I just find it a tad insulting for me that all my sacrifices in these time wasn't worth being your friend - even on Facebook! DIU.
Fine, fine. Not gonna give a shit. Just wanted to let you know how stupid he CAN be lately.
I've been staying over at June's nearly every night for the past week. It's nice and cosy and I reckon I get to read abit more, and feels to have some company around at the same time. Okay, gonna head out soon. Getting hungry. BYE.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Insignificantly Me.
It's been a busy week - assignment, work, friends. Saving people's asses, accompanying loved ones when they needed someone to be around - day til night.
Some celebrity was in town, but funny ey, I didn't get to take a single photo WITH him. Unbelievable. I'll like to believe that it was an unintentional mistake all weekend, but my PMS tells me I was just insignificantly and conveniently forgotten. Or intentionally. Either way, it still sucks. Everyone around had a small piece of him except me.
How can you even be forgotten for 4 hours or so - no call, no text, no explanation, no nothing? Especially on a day that has gone all wrong and when I really wanted some good company. I don't know. Maybe unintentional, but it still hurts abit. To think that I put my work and studies aside to be insignificantly and conveniently forgotten. Sigh.
Some celebrity was in town, but funny ey, I didn't get to take a single photo WITH him. Unbelievable. I'll like to believe that it was an unintentional mistake all weekend, but my PMS tells me I was just insignificantly and conveniently forgotten. Or intentionally. Either way, it still sucks. Everyone around had a small piece of him except me.
How can you even be forgotten for 4 hours or so - no call, no text, no explanation, no nothing? Especially on a day that has gone all wrong and when I really wanted some good company. I don't know. Maybe unintentional, but it still hurts abit. To think that I put my work and studies aside to be insignificantly and conveniently forgotten. Sigh.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
La la la~
I had internet problems last week and it was driving me crazy because it was hard for me to even attach my assignments and send them to my group members through emails. Plus, the internet is my leisure life when I'm at home. Mr. Next Door wasn't very helpful for the past few days until I threatened to stop paying for the internet and phone bill altogether. Come on, he didn't even looked like he was putting effort in TRYING to see what's wrong! As if taking a look at my laptop would equal to cheating on his girlfriend -_-" I asked him to touch my computer, not my body lah.
Tried to threaten to move out. Over a couple of bills? Do the math, mister. And see if it's worth it. Never in a million years would I try to kick you out of my place, nor would I want for things to turn this ugly. But since you've drawn such a clear cut line to show that we're nothing more than housemates and nothing close to being friends these days, do you really think I'll give a f''kin shit? I cared and tried to be nice, and you practically threw it right back at my face.
I know I stupidly look like a pushover at times, but no one threatens me and actually gets away with it?! Besides my parents, that is. I still need them to partially support me after all hehe :P One of my weaknesses is that I might be slightly irrational when I'm pissed so I just might do things to 'get the message across'. Even if I would regret it later, I'll want you to 'die' with me first for trying to be a real smart ass.
Anyway, besides these unwanted drama, life has been pretty good. I've been happy. ^^ Just spending time with people that care for me. Juggling my time to fit them, uni and work on a daily basis.
Finally (for once) I'm no longer obsessing and getting upset about my ex anymore (except for the Internet issue on Monday). I no longer want to care about us no longer talking or see each other for days despite living under the same roof. No longer miss or think about what went wrong. No longer cry about how everything can turn out to be like this. No longer doing the things that I'm too ashamed to mention here.
Especially after this Internet incident and how he reacted about it, it gave me that wake-up call that I needed and opened my eyes real wide. Despite 3 years of relationship, and the 5 years of friendship prior to that, I'm not worth keeping even as a friend. I'm not sure if he saw or remembered the sacrifices and what I went through for him, but it sure shows that it no longer matters or was even appreciated before. Can't say I didn't try to give 'us' another try last year. And I made plenty of attempts to keep things friendly, hoping to mend our friendship up til now.
So child, why do you cry or feel the slightest remorse for such a person? No reason to!
Now, I'm out with people who wants to see me. Care for me. Talk to me. And put a smile on my face, instead of a tear. This is what that matters. <3
Tried to threaten to move out. Over a couple of bills? Do the math, mister. And see if it's worth it. Never in a million years would I try to kick you out of my place, nor would I want for things to turn this ugly. But since you've drawn such a clear cut line to show that we're nothing more than housemates and nothing close to being friends these days, do you really think I'll give a f''kin shit? I cared and tried to be nice, and you practically threw it right back at my face.
I know I stupidly look like a pushover at times, but no one threatens me and actually gets away with it?! Besides my parents, that is. I still need them to partially support me after all hehe :P One of my weaknesses is that I might be slightly irrational when I'm pissed so I just might do things to 'get the message across'. Even if I would regret it later, I'll want you to 'die' with me first for trying to be a real smart ass.
Anyway, besides these unwanted drama, life has been pretty good. I've been happy. ^^ Just spending time with people that care for me. Juggling my time to fit them, uni and work on a daily basis.
Finally (for once) I'm no longer obsessing and getting upset about my ex anymore (except for the Internet issue on Monday). I no longer want to care about us no longer talking or see each other for days despite living under the same roof. No longer miss or think about what went wrong. No longer cry about how everything can turn out to be like this. No longer doing the things that I'm too ashamed to mention here.
Especially after this Internet incident and how he reacted about it, it gave me that wake-up call that I needed and opened my eyes real wide. Despite 3 years of relationship, and the 5 years of friendship prior to that, I'm not worth keeping even as a friend. I'm not sure if he saw or remembered the sacrifices and what I went through for him, but it sure shows that it no longer matters or was even appreciated before. Can't say I didn't try to give 'us' another try last year. And I made plenty of attempts to keep things friendly, hoping to mend our friendship up til now.
So child, why do you cry or feel the slightest remorse for such a person? No reason to!
Now, I'm out with people who wants to see me. Care for me. Talk to me. And put a smile on my face, instead of a tear. This is what that matters. <3
Not About My Ex
I'm still a little lost over what happened. Confused over what I actually did wrong to offend people.
It's just not worth it anymore. Not everyone deserves a third chance. Hell, some was wondering why I gave it a second chance, in the first place. Maybe I wanted to believe that people DO change. Apparently not.
I'm walking away. No anger or hatred, no grudges. Just walk away, Sze.
It's just not worth it anymore. Not everyone deserves a third chance. Hell, some was wondering why I gave it a second chance, in the first place. Maybe I wanted to believe that people DO change. Apparently not.
I'm walking away. No anger or hatred, no grudges. Just walk away, Sze.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Total Failure - That's What I Am.
As I was looking at my new ring with delight like a kid who just found a new toy, my dad decided it was time to have a kind talk with me since no one else was around. To motivate me to get back on track, and set my priorities right. Of course, it isn't shopping and socializing. A 45 mins heart-to-heart talk with him made me felt like I've been an undeserving daughter.
Despite how conservative and overprotective they are, all they wanted was for me to be happy, have a secured future and not regret my doings later on in life.
I feel like a failure at times like these. Spending away money that I've not earned on my own on materials that I do not really need. Not handing them the best grades that I could potentially achieve. Not spending as much time with them as I could be, even though I believe I do more than others.
I already feel that maybe I've been a failure as a girlfriend in the past. Not being able to hold on to a 3 year relationship, over and over again speaks for itself. The more I tried to hold on, the faster I lost grip of it. What more disappointing is the fact that whatever I hoped for in these years has easily been given to another girl without much effort needed. Maybe I really just wasn't the one.
I'm pretty much a failure as a student. Still studying at the age of 25, regardless of whether it's a postgraduate course or not, is no longer fun. Yes, I have all the time in the world for other stuff that I could do that working people can't. Yes, I can still have a 3 months break over summer to fly home and spend time with family and friends, which working people can't afford to do. Yes, I do not need to pay my own bills and rent, out of my own money. But that only labels me as one thing - a spoilt brat. Working life may not exactly what I'm looking forward to, but it's way overdue.
I'm aware that life is full of failures. But do *i* have to be a failure in overall? Whether I put much effort into it or not, it somehow turns out to have the same outcome. Then why bother trying?
Today is just one of those days. Where an event leads to another which gets me thinking unhappy thoughts. Must be my PMS mode. Damn those things! Why must I be born a female??
Despite how conservative and overprotective they are, all they wanted was for me to be happy, have a secured future and not regret my doings later on in life.
I feel like a failure at times like these. Spending away money that I've not earned on my own on materials that I do not really need. Not handing them the best grades that I could potentially achieve. Not spending as much time with them as I could be, even though I believe I do more than others.
I already feel that maybe I've been a failure as a girlfriend in the past. Not being able to hold on to a 3 year relationship, over and over again speaks for itself. The more I tried to hold on, the faster I lost grip of it. What more disappointing is the fact that whatever I hoped for in these years has easily been given to another girl without much effort needed. Maybe I really just wasn't the one.
I'm pretty much a failure as a student. Still studying at the age of 25, regardless of whether it's a postgraduate course or not, is no longer fun. Yes, I have all the time in the world for other stuff that I could do that working people can't. Yes, I can still have a 3 months break over summer to fly home and spend time with family and friends, which working people can't afford to do. Yes, I do not need to pay my own bills and rent, out of my own money. But that only labels me as one thing - a spoilt brat. Working life may not exactly what I'm looking forward to, but it's way overdue.
I'm aware that life is full of failures. But do *i* have to be a failure in overall? Whether I put much effort into it or not, it somehow turns out to have the same outcome. Then why bother trying?
Today is just one of those days. Where an event leads to another which gets me thinking unhappy thoughts. Must be my PMS mode. Damn those things! Why must I be born a female??
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
It's Just Not Meant To Be.
All this while I've been telling myself that I'm going to move on. But maybe, I was unwilling to. I'm not sure how many times I need to put myself through pain before I take that one big step to move forward. Maybe, I was just unable to accept the fact that he no longer loves me. That he's moved on and is happy with her. Maybe, I kept believing that he still cared for me, and there was hope. At the end, I was just fighting for a lost cause.
These days, not only does it seem like there's no hope for us to ever rekindle what's left of us. There hardly seems like there is any hope left to even be close friends. And it hurts. Knowing that not only did I lose 3 years of everything I had in me, I've also lost one of my best friend that I've confided in for about 8 years.
Sometimes I feel like hating him so much, and I want him to feel exactly what I've been going through for the past months. Especially during the times he turned stone cold towards me.
Many told me that he isn't worth it, and I could find a much better guy than him. And a cousin said that once I find a better guy, I would never want to return to what I used to have. The biggest problem about this is I love him - it's not just about finding a better guy. And anyway, what if I NEVER find a guy that I think is much better than him for me to love?
I'm done crying. I dare not even cry in front of my friends or share what I feel anymore, just because I'm pretty sure they would be speechless and sick of seeing me being stuck in this rut. I feel sorry for the ones who put so much effort to cheer me up and try to make me move on while I am not making enough effort to change the situation I'm in. I'm sorry for not listening to the ones who could see what was coming from the start, while I foolishly found excuses to believe there was still a chance.
It's heartbreaking to know he's happily in love with someone, and that someone isn't me. And I can't help feeling envy to see him do things he did for her, but has never done for me. The cold hard fact is, maybe I just wasn't the one for him. He just didn't love me enough.
But I could deal with it. It just shatters me to see how he has changed towards me. He's cold towards me at times, no longer caring even as a friend, not offering transport or help even before I asked, like how he used to.
Does things need to change just because we're no longer in a relationship? Just because he has someone new? Maybe I gave myself too much credit, to believe that I would still be special to him in some ways, enough for him to care slightly more than a friend even if things couldn't work out between us in the past. After all, we're still housemates. Even if I found someone else, I knew that I can never stop caring for him. I would always be there for him if he needed someone. I just wished he could have done the same.
Am I being too self-centred to want that? Is it actually too much to ask from a guy? Maybe I'm being too naive to think that since I can do it, he should be able to as well.
Even fate/destiny or whatever you call it, is not on my side. I once thought I nearly lost something precious to me, and it found its own way back to me. Thinking that the best idea would be to keep it close to make sure I never lose it again, that was exactly what I did. But, somehow, it found its own way to part with me. And it's not even because I was careless and left it around! :(:(:(
Angeline said the same exact words in June 2005 when I told her about it - 'Sigh. Maybe it's a sign. It's just not meant to be.' Which was like a sword piercing through my heart. I broke down and cried when I heard those words back then, because I fought real hard to hold on to it then, and NOTHING went my way. And now, it's happening once again. And I just feel like giving in, and say I give up this time.
These days, not only does it seem like there's no hope for us to ever rekindle what's left of us. There hardly seems like there is any hope left to even be close friends. And it hurts. Knowing that not only did I lose 3 years of everything I had in me, I've also lost one of my best friend that I've confided in for about 8 years.
Sometimes I feel like hating him so much, and I want him to feel exactly what I've been going through for the past months. Especially during the times he turned stone cold towards me.
Many told me that he isn't worth it, and I could find a much better guy than him. And a cousin said that once I find a better guy, I would never want to return to what I used to have. The biggest problem about this is I love him - it's not just about finding a better guy. And anyway, what if I NEVER find a guy that I think is much better than him for me to love?
I'm done crying. I dare not even cry in front of my friends or share what I feel anymore, just because I'm pretty sure they would be speechless and sick of seeing me being stuck in this rut. I feel sorry for the ones who put so much effort to cheer me up and try to make me move on while I am not making enough effort to change the situation I'm in. I'm sorry for not listening to the ones who could see what was coming from the start, while I foolishly found excuses to believe there was still a chance.
It's heartbreaking to know he's happily in love with someone, and that someone isn't me. And I can't help feeling envy to see him do things he did for her, but has never done for me. The cold hard fact is, maybe I just wasn't the one for him. He just didn't love me enough.
But I could deal with it. It just shatters me to see how he has changed towards me. He's cold towards me at times, no longer caring even as a friend, not offering transport or help even before I asked, like how he used to.
Does things need to change just because we're no longer in a relationship? Just because he has someone new? Maybe I gave myself too much credit, to believe that I would still be special to him in some ways, enough for him to care slightly more than a friend even if things couldn't work out between us in the past. After all, we're still housemates. Even if I found someone else, I knew that I can never stop caring for him. I would always be there for him if he needed someone. I just wished he could have done the same.
Am I being too self-centred to want that? Is it actually too much to ask from a guy? Maybe I'm being too naive to think that since I can do it, he should be able to as well.
Even fate/destiny or whatever you call it, is not on my side. I once thought I nearly lost something precious to me, and it found its own way back to me. Thinking that the best idea would be to keep it close to make sure I never lose it again, that was exactly what I did. But, somehow, it found its own way to part with me. And it's not even because I was careless and left it around! :(:(:(
Angeline said the same exact words in June 2005 when I told her about it - 'Sigh. Maybe it's a sign. It's just not meant to be.' Which was like a sword piercing through my heart. I broke down and cried when I heard those words back then, because I fought real hard to hold on to it then, and NOTHING went my way. And now, it's happening once again. And I just feel like giving in, and say I give up this time.
Friday, October 05, 2007
A Moment of Truth.
Today is just a day I would like to make a mark. Because some truth hit me. All that I thought and believed were merely just an illusion.
I've been a fool, that's all I can say.
Same shit, different smell.
Why do I never learn? Sometimes, ignorance really is better. But if you never knew, you would just be deceived.
And it's about time I start learning how to be more of a bitch. I gotta be less gullible and stop being so naive.
I can't believe that even nice helpful gestures of mine, could be seen as weird.
I just wanna know what am I doing wrong. Am I just a joke? Does everyone hate me? The ones I care most for, always take what I've done for granted. Why is this always the case?
Finally, I've got my wake-up call. I think it's really time. For me to get rid of any hopes I had in me, in everything I believed in. I, am letting go of all. Because I'm tired. And it's all just not worth it.
Right now, I just feel a bit lonely. Worst still, I need to fake a smile up so that no one knows something is wrong and come asking me.
There I go. Now, I shall move somewhere else before I stink up the whole place.
I've been a fool, that's all I can say.
Same shit, different smell.
Why do I never learn? Sometimes, ignorance really is better. But if you never knew, you would just be deceived.
And it's about time I start learning how to be more of a bitch. I gotta be less gullible and stop being so naive.
I can't believe that even nice helpful gestures of mine, could be seen as weird.
I just wanna know what am I doing wrong. Am I just a joke? Does everyone hate me? The ones I care most for, always take what I've done for granted. Why is this always the case?
Finally, I've got my wake-up call. I think it's really time. For me to get rid of any hopes I had in me, in everything I believed in. I, am letting go of all. Because I'm tired. And it's all just not worth it.
Right now, I just feel a bit lonely. Worst still, I need to fake a smile up so that no one knows something is wrong and come asking me.
There I go. Now, I shall move somewhere else before I stink up the whole place.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Lies. Lies. Lies.
I ask myself again and again. Why is the man in front of my eyes, so different from before? Did I just not notice all these before, or have I somehow created a monster?
3 years. I gave him 3 years of my time.
And even now, I still manage to gather more and more lies that he's told me this year during our roller-coaster ride.
It may be just miscellaneous stuff, but if he had to do so much over small matters, imagine what he could do during the bigger matters.
I keep telling myself it's over. I would say I know it will be over. But when will it really be over? I guess I'm the only one stopping myself from moving on. For good. But if you were me, and were put through all that I went, could you?
And at the end of the day, is the pain I'm reliving again and again, worth it?
3 years. I gave him 3 years of my time.
And even now, I still manage to gather more and more lies that he's told me this year during our roller-coaster ride.
It may be just miscellaneous stuff, but if he had to do so much over small matters, imagine what he could do during the bigger matters.
I keep telling myself it's over. I would say I know it will be over. But when will it really be over? I guess I'm the only one stopping myself from moving on. For good. But if you were me, and were put through all that I went, could you?
And at the end of the day, is the pain I'm reliving again and again, worth it?
Saturday, September 15, 2007
i Suspect.
It's one hell of a dilemma when the mind and heart doesn't agree with each other. Or when the heart just refuses to listen to that weak mind of mine.
I could find a thousand excuses, but does it really matter? Who am I kidding, at the end?
It hurts, and it still will hurt. Because there's not a day that I look back to remember what I actually meant to you, and wondered how come it took me so long to realise what a fool I've been. How talk is always cheap, and actions just weren't enough to convince me otherwise.
Obviously not the time to blog about what I've been up to, for the past two weekends.
I could find a thousand excuses, but does it really matter? Who am I kidding, at the end?
It hurts, and it still will hurt. Because there's not a day that I look back to remember what I actually meant to you, and wondered how come it took me so long to realise what a fool I've been. How talk is always cheap, and actions just weren't enough to convince me otherwise.
Obviously not the time to blog about what I've been up to, for the past two weekends.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Questions.
[Warning: Ultra Long Emo Post]
I talked to a friend today. And I couldn't help it but let the past come floating back. Anger? Nope. But the feeling of pain and betrayal, definitely. Unanswered questions in my head? Tonnes! I'll list some for you to see what's going on in my head. No wonder Vu said I'm just killing my head, aving so much shit cooped up in this tiny brain.
Mr. Ex:
Did you like her so much that you had to 'keep on asking her to give both of you a chance'? (or so they say)
If you loved her so much, why did you come back to me? Was it because you felt that you still loved me after all? Or was it because I was just the easier option?
But if you loved me so much, how come you went to her briefly at the first place?
If you chose to come back to me because you realised you still loved me, then why do you still stray around as if you're keeping your options open while we're both unattached? Instead of being more focused on trying to mend things with me, without being so inconsistent with your hot and cold days.
You guys told me that you chose not to let me know back then about the both of you, because you cared about my studies. If so, why not put a little more effort and not flirt online with your nicks two days before my exams? Doesn't it just contradict what you just said?
If you had to move on, couldn't you play somewhere else? And not 'eat and shit at the same place'? Did you think dating my friend was a great idea?
If you really aren't 'considering your options out there', why get all technical with me about feeling that you do not need to clarify or explain anything to me? Got something to hide? I mean, the reason I ask you stuff isn't because I'm trying to control you! I'm just giving you a chance to clarify instead of guessing or jumping into conclusions, which of course leads to misunderstandings and possible cold silent wars. Whenever you do that, it just pushes me further and further because you're turning into someone that I do not know of.
Even til now, I don't understand half the things you do. And I've stopped asking, because I know you wouldn't explain, we would just end up arguing which leads to no conclusion. And I'm tired.
Even when you make the first move to be nice to me now, I'm starting to be doubtful. And afraid. Doubtful because I'm not sure of your real intentions. Afraid, because you might leave me stranded when you build a hope for me that we are going to slowly put everything behind us and work things out. And yes, I'll admit it. As much as I'm trying to be strong, I'm too weak to play these neverending games with you. I'd rather you just break my heart and tell me there's not turning back except for a friendship, and stick to it. Or, focus on mending things with me. And be honest if there were options. At least, I'd know what I'm up for.
Sometimes, you always seem to forget that there's two of us in this wagon. You get on and off whenever you want to, but never cared if I might want to do the same. Or if I'm ready for all the sudden changes you put me through. Three years, and you're still doing whatever you like. The only time I get what I want, is when you are trying to get what YOU want.
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I talked to a friend today. And I couldn't help it but let the past come floating back. Anger? Nope. But the feeling of pain and betrayal, definitely. Unanswered questions in my head? Tonnes! I'll list some for you to see what's going on in my head. No wonder Vu said I'm just killing my head, aving so much shit cooped up in this tiny brain.
Mr. Ex:
Did you like her so much that you had to 'keep on asking her to give both of you a chance'? (or so they say)
If you loved her so much, why did you come back to me? Was it because you felt that you still loved me after all? Or was it because I was just the easier option?
But if you loved me so much, how come you went to her briefly at the first place?
If you chose to come back to me because you realised you still loved me, then why do you still stray around as if you're keeping your options open while we're both unattached? Instead of being more focused on trying to mend things with me, without being so inconsistent with your hot and cold days.
You guys told me that you chose not to let me know back then about the both of you, because you cared about my studies. If so, why not put a little more effort and not flirt online with your nicks two days before my exams? Doesn't it just contradict what you just said?
If you had to move on, couldn't you play somewhere else? And not 'eat and shit at the same place'? Did you think dating my friend was a great idea?
If you really aren't 'considering your options out there', why get all technical with me about feeling that you do not need to clarify or explain anything to me? Got something to hide? I mean, the reason I ask you stuff isn't because I'm trying to control you! I'm just giving you a chance to clarify instead of guessing or jumping into conclusions, which of course leads to misunderstandings and possible cold silent wars. Whenever you do that, it just pushes me further and further because you're turning into someone that I do not know of.
Even til now, I don't understand half the things you do. And I've stopped asking, because I know you wouldn't explain, we would just end up arguing which leads to no conclusion. And I'm tired.
Even when you make the first move to be nice to me now, I'm starting to be doubtful. And afraid. Doubtful because I'm not sure of your real intentions. Afraid, because you might leave me stranded when you build a hope for me that we are going to slowly put everything behind us and work things out. And yes, I'll admit it. As much as I'm trying to be strong, I'm too weak to play these neverending games with you. I'd rather you just break my heart and tell me there's not turning back except for a friendship, and stick to it. Or, focus on mending things with me. And be honest if there were options. At least, I'd know what I'm up for.
Sometimes, you always seem to forget that there's two of us in this wagon. You get on and off whenever you want to, but never cared if I might want to do the same. Or if I'm ready for all the sudden changes you put me through. Three years, and you're still doing whatever you like. The only time I get what I want, is when you are trying to get what YOU want.
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Ms. Friend:
I understand that it might have been hard for you to tell me the truth. And yes, maybe he told you not to. But why oh why, did you still not try to explain yourself after knowing that everything was out in the open already? Did I not even deserve an explaination?
If the excuse was because he told you not to talk to me, you should have kept it that way and not message me to look for him. If not, it just shows that you are being selective in doing what you've been told to do. If you can bring yourself to approach me to look for him "because it's important", I'm sure you could have done the same, just to apologise. It just show how important this two things were for you. Our friendship was never worth a cent for you. And that still hurts me up til now.
Maybe you felt bad then, not being able to tell me the truth. But if it was me, I would have felt bad the moment I realised I had feelings for my friend's ex - esp if she still had feelings for him. Yes, of course technically you aren't doing anything wrong. One can tell me that there are no 'rights and wrongs' in the name (or rather, game) of love. But I still believe, that morally, it doesn't seem right. And in the 'code of friendship', it just seems all too wrong. Just go outside your current circle of friends, how would they feel if this had happen to them. It doesn't really matter all that much that he was the one pursuing you. Or kept on persuading you to give it a go. What matters is, you did want it in your heart as well. Even before your previous relationship really ended.
One could quickly point out that I did something similar, as I knew my ex's ex. But as a small defence, I was with him before I got back in touch with her. And from what I heard, she has already moved on. So at least no one gets hurt. But yes, still it is weird. My fault for joining the trend of 'friend-hopping' relationships.
How can you not feel like you've done absolutely nothing wrong to me at all? Even if you aren't 'tehnically' wrong, wouldn't you even care how I would have felt, when I found out everything? Or how was I coping with it?
And of course, even with the blog incident. I'm pretty sure you are aware that you contributed a little bit to how things got so ugly between everyone (I read it in your sms to someone). If you could feel bad about it, why just let him know but not me? It was me that you were making all the false or exaggerated accusations on.
I don't know. Maybe you felt that our 'friendship' was a lost cause and didn't want to risk making things worse between us and therefore, just chose to leave me alone even without an explanation or apology. But texting him back then about this, was just a waste of your time. If he'd cared, it wouldn't reach this point, would it?
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And that's what I've been trying to tell myself. If he cared, both of us wouldn't have reach this point. What's the point of caring only a little? It's just not enough! I can't settle with someone who only cares for me on a seasonal basis. Or when he's got no options out there. I need to be with someone who knows I'm the one he wants. And that I'm just not some backup option to run to. I need to be reassured that mistakes won't happen again. And not just someone who points out mistakes in our history in order to defend their current faults. Because, if you could explain your beliefs and principles of how things were wrong back then, why do it now? Aren't you just contradicting yourself? Two wrongs, really doesn't make one right. I need a guy that wipes the tears off my cheeks, not plant them on my cheeks in the first place.
Are you that person?
PS: I didn't write this to scold anyone of you. I'm sure that I must have contributed some faults somewhere in between. I'm not perfect, but at least I seem to be aware of it? These are just the questions floating around my mind for at least a couple of months.
At the end of the day, I can't blame anyone. Why? Because it's my own fault. When you let the same person hurt you over and over again, you're asking for trouble. It's your fault that you don't learn your lesson. It's your fault that you let it happen again. Your fault for not believing you could deserve or find someone better. Your fault for being so soft-hearted.
Maybe it's even my fault that I wasn't a good enough girlfriend. For the both of them - so as to put more consideration about my feelings and how things would turn out. Because of a short fling, many got hurt. Ties got severed. Wounds would remain. Who do you blame for the short term moment of passion? Just because of loneliness? No one. Shit happens, I suppose.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to me. My fault for my own stupidity. I let it all happen. And once wasn't enough for me, so I let it hit me over and over again.
So the final question is: At this crossroad, I'm at a halt. What do I do? Where do I go? To stay or to walk away? To follow the heart or listen to the mind? When something that feels so right is actually wrong, what do one chose to do? Yes, many questions all boils down to the same answer. And I'm lost. Answers, anyone?
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Past Reflection.
I know I haven't been sharing everything in here. Nor have I given enough details for some to figure out what is going on in my life. But then again, my close ones should know what's happening and that's all that matters.
Anyway it's been a busy month, so everytime I try to post something up, I get the guilt trip of wasting my time blogging away while I should be revising instead and everything will be saved onto draft mode hehe.
If I were to write this post at the beginning of the month, I would have been bawling my eyes out, being hurt and angry at the same time. I managed to find out about some things and got really upset. I was in so much shock, and my hand were shaking for a few good hours. Spent the whole weekend in full blast pain, and having my real friends dry my tears for me. I'm not sure what bothered me more. Knowing that my ex has finally moved on with a so-called friend. Or that, my friend has taken me for a fool and betrayed my trust. For nearly a month. Hell, I just knew it hurt back then. And it still does, whenever I think about it.
Any reason would just be defensive excuses for me, really. If they chose not to tell me earlier because my finals were around the corner, I'm pretty sure they would have been more discreet about their personal messages in their MSN. And knowing that my ex who was the one that made her keep it there for a few whole days, made me wonder if this was how he showed that he cared for my feelings or exams. And her pushing all the blame to him doesn't help, because I know she is a very strong-opinionated girl who wouldn't just listen to you unless it's something that she wants for herself as well. So, please don't underestimate me and assume I'll just take in whatever you have to tell me.
What hurts most was that I was given the impression that she had rejected him before, but he kept on pursuing her. Wow, he must really like her then. I guess if he has found someone he really liked, I'll be happy for him. But of course, I admit it hurts to know that, as I'm not completely healed yet.
What else? Well, it's enough between me and her. I left her alone once I knew, and I don't think she will be bothering me anymore on MSN etc, which is most probably the best thing to do, esp when I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life.
And then there was the shitty CPA results I had. I lost my ex's camera in a cab on the way to Lavish. Bumped into a friend who clearly seem to feel akward to see or talk to me. Ah, the works. Nothing good has happened, really. I can even come home to find Kooky's small pile of puke at the end of my quilt cover. That's just one of the few things I come across, nearly on a daily basis. Especially this month, it was like a bad luck galore for me. :(
And just last weekend, I've already posted an entry on some unpleasant surprises. Which was ironic. Because I received the call, the second I finished reading this in one of my daily horoscope forecast readings online - a daily routine of mine:-
You're definitely not on your game - and everyone around you is trying to think of yet another way to tell you all about it. Stop sighing, and don't pout any more. Your task now is to take your medicine, hibernate, lick your wounds and then give it another shot.
And then the drama unfolded a short while later. :/
Not forgetting, I managed to find out some things that pierced through my heart like a knife, just a couple of hours before my very last paper for the semester. Have you ever seen a person that goes in for a paper and weeps while doing it? Yeap, I have. The 3 whole hours, thoughts of them and the facts I found out, kept running in my head. So I think I screwed this paper. Heck, I think I shitted all my final papers this semester, having so much going on in my mind. Anyway, I'm just numb from all the pain, really.
I just wanna let go of everything and move on. Start a new life.
So, I was really looking forward to going back this holidays to rejuvenate myself, and start over a new life before I come back to Melbie once again. But woohoo, my bad luck streak has yet to end! I was caught in a jam on my way to the airport and arrived just in time for the check-in counter to close. So I could not board the plane. I even went to the airport again at night for a couple of hours, just to be a passenger on standby - hoping that some passengers would not board the plane at the last minute. Well, there was only one seat and it wasn't for me. Bah.
I felt really down. Texted my Melbourne babes about me not being able to make it onto that flight. Shwee asked me to join her at some Asian night event her friends organised and I agreed. Not because I am a clubaholic, but because I wanted company. Not be home, stuck in my own room alone without even having the pussies as company now. Music + dancing is always good. Usually manages to cheer me up esp with good company. :) June said I'm the champion - miss my flight, still can go clubbing. Cheh, as if sitting around mopping around would bring my flight back meh? If she was here, I'm sure she would personally drive me out to Shamiano or watever club it was.
And I would say, it turned out to be not bad. Not as crowded as most clubs, but all that mattered was that my girls were with me. Now, if June was around too, it would have been perfect. Talked to a few new friends, whom I met at Lavish and at a karaoke session that Pat invited me to, last Wednesday night. I would have stayed out a little longer and joined my friends at a home session, but for some reason, one of my gals from KL was worried sick about me and insisted that I go home early =.=".
Late at night, Bie offered to watch a movie together. I wasn't sure why he would suddenly offer such a thing, as he hasn't for quite some time. But since we were both bored and fresh awake, and I was still feeling the blues of not being able to go home, I agreed. He fell asleep by my side, and I didn't have the heart to wake him up to shoo him back into his room. Maybe I should have, since I was trying to move on. And it's not MY style to even LOOK like I'm hooking up with someone else's boy. Not that I care so much this time, not exactly my friend's boy, ain't it?
But yes, I must thank him and say that I'm grateful that he's been somewhat attempting to be around and accompany me since Wednesday. But I gotta admit that sometimes, I feel his actions confuse me a bit. Maybe he's just trying to be nice and care for me as a good friend. And I'm just over-analysing the situation. It's just that he seem to care more than the past couple of weeks, so I'm wondering why?
Of all things, I wouldn't want to be some sort of replacement girl for him, just because his chick isn't physically around to spend time with him. Or because she's been neglecting him etc.
No point pondering so much on these issues, I guess. I'm just trying to live life one day at a time. :) I guess I'd better start thinking how to spend this holidays.
Anyway it's been a busy month, so everytime I try to post something up, I get the guilt trip of wasting my time blogging away while I should be revising instead and everything will be saved onto draft mode hehe.
If I were to write this post at the beginning of the month, I would have been bawling my eyes out, being hurt and angry at the same time. I managed to find out about some things and got really upset. I was in so much shock, and my hand were shaking for a few good hours. Spent the whole weekend in full blast pain, and having my real friends dry my tears for me. I'm not sure what bothered me more. Knowing that my ex has finally moved on with a so-called friend. Or that, my friend has taken me for a fool and betrayed my trust. For nearly a month. Hell, I just knew it hurt back then. And it still does, whenever I think about it.
Any reason would just be defensive excuses for me, really. If they chose not to tell me earlier because my finals were around the corner, I'm pretty sure they would have been more discreet about their personal messages in their MSN. And knowing that my ex who was the one that made her keep it there for a few whole days, made me wonder if this was how he showed that he cared for my feelings or exams. And her pushing all the blame to him doesn't help, because I know she is a very strong-opinionated girl who wouldn't just listen to you unless it's something that she wants for herself as well. So, please don't underestimate me and assume I'll just take in whatever you have to tell me.
What hurts most was that I was given the impression that she had rejected him before, but he kept on pursuing her. Wow, he must really like her then. I guess if he has found someone he really liked, I'll be happy for him. But of course, I admit it hurts to know that, as I'm not completely healed yet.
What else? Well, it's enough between me and her. I left her alone once I knew, and I don't think she will be bothering me anymore on MSN etc, which is most probably the best thing to do, esp when I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life.
And then there was the shitty CPA results I had. I lost my ex's camera in a cab on the way to Lavish. Bumped into a friend who clearly seem to feel akward to see or talk to me. Ah, the works. Nothing good has happened, really. I can even come home to find Kooky's small pile of puke at the end of my quilt cover. That's just one of the few things I come across, nearly on a daily basis. Especially this month, it was like a bad luck galore for me. :(
And just last weekend, I've already posted an entry on some unpleasant surprises. Which was ironic. Because I received the call, the second I finished reading this in one of my daily horoscope forecast readings online - a daily routine of mine:-
You're definitely not on your game - and everyone around you is trying to think of yet another way to tell you all about it. Stop sighing, and don't pout any more. Your task now is to take your medicine, hibernate, lick your wounds and then give it another shot.
And then the drama unfolded a short while later. :/
Not forgetting, I managed to find out some things that pierced through my heart like a knife, just a couple of hours before my very last paper for the semester. Have you ever seen a person that goes in for a paper and weeps while doing it? Yeap, I have. The 3 whole hours, thoughts of them and the facts I found out, kept running in my head. So I think I screwed this paper. Heck, I think I shitted all my final papers this semester, having so much going on in my mind. Anyway, I'm just numb from all the pain, really.
I just wanna let go of everything and move on. Start a new life.
So, I was really looking forward to going back this holidays to rejuvenate myself, and start over a new life before I come back to Melbie once again. But woohoo, my bad luck streak has yet to end! I was caught in a jam on my way to the airport and arrived just in time for the check-in counter to close. So I could not board the plane. I even went to the airport again at night for a couple of hours, just to be a passenger on standby - hoping that some passengers would not board the plane at the last minute. Well, there was only one seat and it wasn't for me. Bah.
I felt really down. Texted my Melbourne babes about me not being able to make it onto that flight. Shwee asked me to join her at some Asian night event her friends organised and I agreed. Not because I am a clubaholic, but because I wanted company. Not be home, stuck in my own room alone without even having the pussies as company now. Music + dancing is always good. Usually manages to cheer me up esp with good company. :) June said I'm the champion - miss my flight, still can go clubbing. Cheh, as if sitting around mopping around would bring my flight back meh? If she was here, I'm sure she would personally drive me out to Shamiano or watever club it was.
And I would say, it turned out to be not bad. Not as crowded as most clubs, but all that mattered was that my girls were with me. Now, if June was around too, it would have been perfect. Talked to a few new friends, whom I met at Lavish and at a karaoke session that Pat invited me to, last Wednesday night. I would have stayed out a little longer and joined my friends at a home session, but for some reason, one of my gals from KL was worried sick about me and insisted that I go home early =.=".
Late at night, Bie offered to watch a movie together. I wasn't sure why he would suddenly offer such a thing, as he hasn't for quite some time. But since we were both bored and fresh awake, and I was still feeling the blues of not being able to go home, I agreed. He fell asleep by my side, and I didn't have the heart to wake him up to shoo him back into his room. Maybe I should have, since I was trying to move on. And it's not MY style to even LOOK like I'm hooking up with someone else's boy. Not that I care so much this time, not exactly my friend's boy, ain't it?
But yes, I must thank him and say that I'm grateful that he's been somewhat attempting to be around and accompany me since Wednesday. But I gotta admit that sometimes, I feel his actions confuse me a bit. Maybe he's just trying to be nice and care for me as a good friend. And I'm just over-analysing the situation. It's just that he seem to care more than the past couple of weeks, so I'm wondering why?
Of all things, I wouldn't want to be some sort of replacement girl for him, just because his chick isn't physically around to spend time with him. Or because she's been neglecting him etc.
No point pondering so much on these issues, I guess. I'm just trying to live life one day at a time. :) I guess I'd better start thinking how to spend this holidays.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
A Small Grunt.
As I've been slowly trying to pick up the pieces of my life off the floor, a double combo came and hit me on the forehead.
First, a random call from a drunk certain someone. Telling me all sorts of nonsense which would mean nothing by tomorrow morning. A call that hasn't come through for a couple of months. And suddenly, here it is. It's nothing, really. But flashbacks of memories - good and bad - all came back for a sec.
As I was still dazed, I was left with Kooky's pile of vomit due to overeating (that black Nigger's gotta know when to stop eating man!) to clean up. And when I came back to my laptop, I stared with disbelief at my screen when I received a MSN message from someone I would never want to hear from again.
She had the nerve to ask me if my ex was sleeping. And I had no idea, why would i just reply her with an honest answer instead of just totally ignoring her, or let the bitch in me come out full-on to deal with her. Maybe I'm just really tired and sick to deal with all this anymore.
But, it wasn't enough for her.
Th[i]s.[i]s.m[i]- °© [?] .?.LongLiveLove.? says:
he didnt reply my msg and pick up my calls, i got something to ask.
And went on to ask me if I'm SURE that he is awake. Anyway I told her I wasn't sure and just proceed to say that I hope she won't come to me looking for him everyday unless its a life or death situation. I think I've had enough disrespect from this already. Enough is enough.
Come on, am I being too much, really? Tell me if I am. But in my opinion, I think she's being pretty insensitive. She had no qualms of not talking to me since she had the nerve to put reesioning all over her MSN personal message to let me see during early June, two days before one of my papers, to be exact. She did not even once apologise for doing these to me. For not telling me the truth any earlier. She did not attempt to even explain herself at all.
I'm not saying that I would welcome her back and be all lovey dovey with her if she did, but at least I would know she did partly feel bad for what happened. But not even once, did I hear from her until now. When she finally can't reach him just because he might have fallen asleep. As if what was done before, didn't already hurt enough?!
Really, I'm numb. I'm not sure whether to feel hurt or angry at her. It doesn't matter, I suppose. I believe in karma. For you and that good friend of yours.
On a totally random note, I miss June. She left Melbourne this afternoon and I feel the emptiness already. At the end of the day, it's always her that is around for me and bothers to look for me. Ah, I forsee a lonely week ahead of me.
First, a random call from a drunk certain someone. Telling me all sorts of nonsense which would mean nothing by tomorrow morning. A call that hasn't come through for a couple of months. And suddenly, here it is. It's nothing, really. But flashbacks of memories - good and bad - all came back for a sec.
As I was still dazed, I was left with Kooky's pile of vomit due to overeating (that black Nigger's gotta know when to stop eating man!) to clean up. And when I came back to my laptop, I stared with disbelief at my screen when I received a MSN message from someone I would never want to hear from again.
She had the nerve to ask me if my ex was sleeping. And I had no idea, why would i just reply her with an honest answer instead of just totally ignoring her, or let the bitch in me come out full-on to deal with her. Maybe I'm just really tired and sick to deal with all this anymore.
But, it wasn't enough for her.
Th[i]s.[i]s.m[i]- °© [?] .?.LongLiveLove.? says:
he didnt reply my msg and pick up my calls, i got something to ask.
And went on to ask me if I'm SURE that he is awake. Anyway I told her I wasn't sure and just proceed to say that I hope she won't come to me looking for him everyday unless its a life or death situation. I think I've had enough disrespect from this already. Enough is enough.
Come on, am I being too much, really? Tell me if I am. But in my opinion, I think she's being pretty insensitive. She had no qualms of not talking to me since she had the nerve to put reesioning all over her MSN personal message to let me see during early June, two days before one of my papers, to be exact. She did not even once apologise for doing these to me. For not telling me the truth any earlier. She did not attempt to even explain herself at all.
I'm not saying that I would welcome her back and be all lovey dovey with her if she did, but at least I would know she did partly feel bad for what happened. But not even once, did I hear from her until now. When she finally can't reach him just because he might have fallen asleep. As if what was done before, didn't already hurt enough?!
Really, I'm numb. I'm not sure whether to feel hurt or angry at her. It doesn't matter, I suppose. I believe in karma. For you and that good friend of yours.
On a totally random note, I miss June. She left Melbourne this afternoon and I feel the emptiness already. At the end of the day, it's always her that is around for me and bothers to look for me. Ah, I forsee a lonely week ahead of me.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
I'm just stoning in front of the laptop screen. So many thoughts. No idea how to express them out.
I've made mistakes in my life. I don't deny it. But of all things, I would never hurt or betray my good friends. NEVER.
But again and again, in my life and among the different circle of friends I've been in, something would surely come up. Usually not my direct circle of friends but nevertheless, people that I trust and always confide to.
I just feel SO sick of this.
Why is my life so full of drama these days??
Do you know it fucking hurts? To find out more and more things everyday? To know someone u still love have moved on with a friend that you talked to nearly everyday online? To find out that despite the couple of misunderstandings that has occured, I have accepted her explanations with no questions asked? Only to discover that she's taken me for a fool for a whole month?
I told you. Don't take me as a fool. Don't let me be the last to know. You agreed.
The fact that he has moved on, and that he misunderstood me, has hurt more than enough. Knowing the girl is someone I trust countless times, hurts even more. And to know that you couldn't respect me enough for this, has really crossed the line.
I've made mistakes in my life. I don't deny it. But of all things, I would never hurt or betray my good friends. NEVER.
But again and again, in my life and among the different circle of friends I've been in, something would surely come up. Usually not my direct circle of friends but nevertheless, people that I trust and always confide to.
I just feel SO sick of this.
Why is my life so full of drama these days??
Do you know it fucking hurts? To find out more and more things everyday? To know someone u still love have moved on with a friend that you talked to nearly everyday online? To find out that despite the couple of misunderstandings that has occured, I have accepted her explanations with no questions asked? Only to discover that she's taken me for a fool for a whole month?
I told you. Don't take me as a fool. Don't let me be the last to know. You agreed.
The fact that he has moved on, and that he misunderstood me, has hurt more than enough. Knowing the girl is someone I trust countless times, hurts even more. And to know that you couldn't respect me enough for this, has really crossed the line.
Friday, June 01, 2007
Pondering.
Sometimes, I think I put myself in the stickiest position. But it comes so naturally, that I do not know how to deal with them.
I guess when you think you need to let go, you should. But what if you can foresee what is coming? And what if you're close to a girl who seem to look like she is potentially gonna date your guy? What do you do? Ignore this fact? Or keep your distance to shield yourself from feeling hurt when you find out your good friend decides to date your guy?
Where do you draw the line? Can you accept such a thing? Personally, I do not like to recycle boyfriends. I would find it very hard to be with a guy who used to be one of my CLOSE friends' ex etc.
Yes, I can't predict the future. But must I accept such an ugly fact?
I guess when you think you need to let go, you should. But what if you can foresee what is coming? And what if you're close to a girl who seem to look like she is potentially gonna date your guy? What do you do? Ignore this fact? Or keep your distance to shield yourself from feeling hurt when you find out your good friend decides to date your guy?
Where do you draw the line? Can you accept such a thing? Personally, I do not like to recycle boyfriends. I would find it very hard to be with a guy who used to be one of my CLOSE friends' ex etc.
Yes, I can't predict the future. But must I accept such an ugly fact?
Monday, May 28, 2007
Awaken.
Today, I officially declare that my heart is done. Being broken.
It's just been too many times. There's nothing left to be broken. It's just too much for me to take anymore. I'm just done.
I've been in denial for far too long. I should have let go long ago, instead of secretly clinging onto that hope inside.
Doesn't matter whose fault it was. Doesn't matter who gave up first.
I just want to get rid of this pain. I'd rather be numb than feel it all like this. Better now, than next month when we hit the big '3'.
For all the times I've cared, it felt like it meant nothing. And when I momentarily cared less, you went crazy. And loved like you've never loved before. Sometimes I laugh at the games we human play.
The ball has always been in your court. Doing whatever you like, whenever you feel like it. Seems like things have not changed even until this very day.
I don't deny that you love me. I know you do. But maybe, just not enough.
Don't give me the 'I'll always care for you as a friend' shit. How many times have we heard such a thing, and you know that they don't mean jack shit. It's just a good line to make them look like less of a jerk. Anyway, I need a sincere friend, not an obligatory friend.
So let this very last tear roll by. For all the love I had for you. For all that we've went through. For all the pain that you've caused me. I'll let it be. And this, I hope, would be the very last I'll shed for you. How I wish I could walk in the rain now. So that no one would be able to see me in this state.
I've gotta learn how to be a big girl, and big girls don't cry.
For now, single I will be. But not for you. But because, I'm too sick of the games of love that we play. So here I am, saying goodbye for the last time.
It's just been too many times. There's nothing left to be broken. It's just too much for me to take anymore. I'm just done.
I've been in denial for far too long. I should have let go long ago, instead of secretly clinging onto that hope inside.
Doesn't matter whose fault it was. Doesn't matter who gave up first.
I just want to get rid of this pain. I'd rather be numb than feel it all like this. Better now, than next month when we hit the big '3'.
For all the times I've cared, it felt like it meant nothing. And when I momentarily cared less, you went crazy. And loved like you've never loved before. Sometimes I laugh at the games we human play.
The ball has always been in your court. Doing whatever you like, whenever you feel like it. Seems like things have not changed even until this very day.
I don't deny that you love me. I know you do. But maybe, just not enough.
Don't give me the 'I'll always care for you as a friend' shit. How many times have we heard such a thing, and you know that they don't mean jack shit. It's just a good line to make them look like less of a jerk. Anyway, I need a sincere friend, not an obligatory friend.
So let this very last tear roll by. For all the love I had for you. For all that we've went through. For all the pain that you've caused me. I'll let it be. And this, I hope, would be the very last I'll shed for you. How I wish I could walk in the rain now. So that no one would be able to see me in this state.
I've gotta learn how to be a big girl, and big girls don't cry.
For now, single I will be. But not for you. But because, I'm too sick of the games of love that we play. So here I am, saying goodbye for the last time.
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