Random Thoughts In My Mind At The Moment:


"You can't forgive someone who still doesn't know what mistake he/she has done."
- Believe it or not, I got that quotation from Gem Of Life. In cantonese, of course. Simple, but so true.

"Just because they're low, you don't have to stoop to their level." - I agree, just that it's so hard to actually follow it at times of annoyance.


What else came to mind today?

Psycho. Crazy. Insecure. Paranoid. Stalker. - Not in any particular order.


Not sure, if I should be in shock, be feeling amused OR flattered. But hey, thanks. Never thought that I was that important :)

//Edit: Oh ya, Ju INSISTED that I should mention that the second quote was by him. He's pretty determined to get credit for this. Actually, I think I fabricated his words just by a little bit, so that he doesn't get into any trouble haha.

Final Warning.

Time after time when I had myself believe it was nearly over, another wave of information falls upon me. Just when the both of us have nearly forgotten about everything :(

For the sake of maturity, I shall try to keep my mouth shut and not make your life a living hell, because it's SUPPOSED to be over.

But if you want, the game's on ANYTIME. You know I'm capable of things, if I want to.

My patience is running low, and that random bitch you call a friend, is getting on my nerves just as much. When you don't know what could have actually happened, the best thing to do is shut the hell up as a third party. Or you'll just embarrass yourself for blowing your horns when you didn't even exercise that brain of yours which is only the size of your tits.

Just wait, bitch. ONE more strike, and I'm not gonna hold back anymore.

Phew, all better now :)

I do not understand.

Friends drift apart right? It's not the best feeling in the world, but it's life. It happens, whether we like it or not. "Don't want to accept, also need to accept-lah."

You could make a fuss about it. But you have no right to make the person do anything about it, if they are not willing to, no? I don't think friends are obligated to explain everything. Of course if they do, it might ease the rocky friendship. And if they don't, just wake up and realise they are not worth being friends after all! It's already a huge warning sign on the 'importance level' of your friendship if you actually need to dig an explanation out of these people, right?

I'm not sure how I managed to get entangled in people's lives and drama. Nor do I want any, so please don't get me involved. Your issues, leave my name out of it.

I could have left it aside. But then, I already did. A couple of times.

Statements like:

1) I bragged about people offering to help me do something. BRAG, ok?
I'm not sure if you forgot, but it was you that asked if I still talked to X. I just said he sms me to ask me if my internet is fixed yet. But besides that, no. And i carried on the previous topic that I was talking about. How is that bragging?

2) Deciding to let it (our friendship) go because I, Elaine Ng Sze Yin, apparently have not changed. Hey, I did my best to be nice to you and accompanied you whenever I could. Whether you could tell or not, I was trying to be sincere all the way. You, on the other hand brought up so much drama behind my back, so I wonder who is the one that hasn't changed? Dating my ex while still talking to me daily wasn't enough during the first round?

And X must be a really great friend that whatever he's done so far still managed to get you to hope he will be close with you once again, while OUR friendship isn't.

I do not want to fight. That's why I brought nothing up before this. Tried to handle it the 'adult' way by swallowing my annoyance.

Now you want to push my patience further by accusing that someone was obviously 'too busy getting very much acquainted with the one person that i have repeatedly told u that annoys the hell out of me.'

Where did you go wrong?

1) If I annoy the hell out of you, why on Earth would you still text and msn me DAILY (before I found out what you did)?! It's not like I forced you at gunpoint to talk to me daily. I had rather you told me the truth about how you felt. If you get pissed about people lying to you, why do the same and put on an act in front of me and pretend nothing is wrong??

2) Whether you like me or not, that's between us. It doesn't involve anyone else. Did you like it when you got stuck in between two feuding friends before? So don't do the same and get someone to stop hanging out with me despite how much you despise me. Esp when they don't have any problems with me or my attitude. They can make decisions for themselves.

Shu & Angeline hardly meet up with each other due to their busy working lives. But of course, they try to make it a point to come out when I'm back as I am not around all the time. So during my short holidays, I'm temporarily the VIP in their lives. Some of my other close friends would do the same, if they could.

COME ON, THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON.

I come back for holidays, friends try to fork out time to see me for awhile also is a problem, is it?! My GOD. Not like we met everyday or something and it WAS a fact that X has been busy. And I don't think X owes you any explanation as a friend in situations like this, right?! Girlfriend, yes. But, friend? Sad to burst your bubble, the answer is no.

And once I post up pictures, all this drama started. Must I block the whole lot of mutual friends before I post anything up? I only need X's permission which was obviously granted before I posted them up. He might have asked me to just ignore this whole situation once again but he wouldn't stop me from saying anything as he doesn't force people to do anything they don't want to. And it's my blog. (And also, he's just a friend. He has no right to.)

I know he didn't handle things wisely before, but I'm sure the words 'just move on la' was clear enough to explain what's going on. The fact is you can't accept the clear truth even when it's hanging right in front of your eyes. I know it's normal to be in denial because I've gone through such 'empty hopes' stages before. But now, blaming back the whole issue on him lying etc isn't going to help. You're just digging your old wound and grave (of what's left of your friendship) deeper than it already is.

It's not easy to accept such cold facts but either way, you still need to deal with it - whether you like it or not. And again, I would much appreciate it if you leave me out of your gossips either way because whatever happened between you guys has nothing got to do with me.

Anyway, you don't have the right to accuse X of being cruel and heartless. What do you know about it? What you did to me wasn't cruel before? And obviously to show no guilt and sorrow for what you have done in front of X - making it look like I've asked for it all the way.

X left you feeling dejected as you have done nothing? Then englighten me. What did I do to deserve such treatment from you?

I wonder why am I still trying to talk some sense into you to see things a little differently. You obviously never think about the situation from other people's shoes but your very own.

Don't take this as a huge attack as it is not. It's for you to know what I've thought about the situation when you think that I'm aware of nothing all this while. If I wanted to strike a personal attack on you, I would have done this a different way.

La la la~

I had internet problems last week and it was driving me crazy because it was hard for me to even attach my assignments and send them to my group members through emails. Plus, the internet is my leisure life when I'm at home. Mr. Next Door wasn't very helpful for the past few days until I threatened to stop paying for the internet and phone bill altogether. Come on, he didn't even looked like he was putting effort in TRYING to see what's wrong! As if taking a look at my laptop would equal to cheating on his girlfriend -_-" I asked him to touch my computer, not my body lah.

Tried to threaten to move out. Over a couple of bills? Do the math, mister. And see if it's worth it. Never in a million years would I try to kick you out of my place, nor would I want for things to turn this ugly. But since you've drawn such a clear cut line to show that we're nothing more than housemates and nothing close to being friends these days, do you really think I'll give a f''kin shit? I cared and tried to be nice, and you practically threw it right back at my face.

I know I stupidly look like a pushover at times, but no one threatens me and actually gets away with it?! Besides my parents, that is. I still need them to partially support me after all hehe :P One of my weaknesses is that I might be slightly irrational when I'm pissed so I just might do things to 'get the message across'. Even if I would regret it later, I'll want you to 'die' with me first for trying to be a real smart ass.

Anyway, besides these unwanted drama, life has been pretty good. I've been happy. ^^ Just spending time with people that care for me. Juggling my time to fit them, uni and work on a daily basis.

Finally (for once) I'm no longer obsessing and getting upset about my ex anymore (except for the Internet issue on Monday). I no longer want to care about us no longer talking or see each other for days despite living under the same roof. No longer miss or think about what went wrong. No longer cry about how everything can turn out to be like this. No longer doing the things that I'm too ashamed to mention here.

Especially after this Internet incident and how he reacted about it, it gave me that wake-up call that I needed and opened my eyes real wide. Despite 3 years of relationship, and the 5 years of friendship prior to that, I'm not worth keeping even as a friend. I'm not sure if he saw or remembered the sacrifices and what I went through for him, but it sure shows that it no longer matters or was even appreciated before. Can't say I didn't try to give 'us' another try last year. And I made plenty of attempts to keep things friendly, hoping to mend our friendship up til now.


So child, why do you cry or feel the slightest remorse for such a person? No reason to!

Now, I'm out with people who wants to see me. Care for me. Talk to me. And put a smile on my face, instead of a tear. This is what that matters. <3

Not About My Ex

I'm still a little lost over what happened. Confused over what I actually did wrong to offend people.

It's just not worth it anymore. Not everyone deserves a third chance. Hell, some was wondering why I gave it a second chance, in the first place. Maybe I wanted to believe that people DO change. Apparently not.

I'm walking away. No anger or hatred, no grudges. Just walk away, Sze.

You just want to win is it? You win loh..Sorry I didn't prepare a trophy because I didn't know about this child's game we were playing.

I never meant to fight with you, nor did I keep a grudge against you. You were angry, I get it. I have the right to be annoyed to see indirect messages 'sent' to me on Msn nicknames as well. And I could write about it if I want, esp if you could damn write what you wanted for half the people in your list to see..

And please take note, that I only wrote what happened and my thoughts about it along with justifications of my actions. It's not like I just called you names etc.

But you can get mad after reading something that was written 2 weeks ago, and come make a big deal for people to see again. Honestly, I couldn't give a damn what you are trying to do. I know if I left it, you'll most probably cool down and forget about it eventually..but the problem is, you keep trying to test my patience. I could let it be, which I initially did (besides to just mark down what happened and comment about it, like I would if it was anything or anybody else?).

But I am not the kind that gets bullied for nothing. And why on earth should I just bite my tongue, just to let people have the satisfaction of thinking that 'they had the last say and they won'. I don't care about winning. If I did, I would make a comeback somewhere more public like you so that I could be sure you, and the rest could see them.

I just don't like the idea that you seem to think you could do or say whatever you want about others, and not have it the other way round. If you've done something like that, you should be able to expect that the same could be done towards you. Nevermind that, you seem to fail to understand that you are doing the same things you are accusing me of. So that just makes the two of us bitches. Not one. Which reminds me - its either 'bitches' or 'a bitch'. Not 'a bitches', so make up your mind.

If you had so much balls yourself, come start a hoo-haa with me by talking to me straight on MSN. Rather than get all diplomatic in a formal message, but send 'indirect' messages on your online nicks to insult me.

You'd think I could go crying because you chose to delete me off Friendster or Facebook? Gee, one less person to send me invites on Werewolves and Starcraft shit-nots? Boo hoo hoo. You even need to make an ANNOUNCEMENT that you deleted some bitch off? And *i* thought that June called me the drama queen. If you wanted to delete me off, just do it - I don't see the need to inform the world about it.

Oh, what am I doing...arguing with you, turns myself into a kid as well.

It's my blog, I'll say what I want. Just like you'll write whatever you want on your Msn nick or facebook.

Dare to go all 'polite but firm' with me thru messages but never talked to me personally online about it. Only decided to send 'messages' across the Msn nick and facebook status to ask me to apparently stop poking my nose into whoever's fucking business.

Annoyed? Yes. Bitched about her? I don't recalling so. I thought I just justified my actions a little bit and analysed it?

Now, that I've forgotten all about the incident, suddenly she indirectly sends another message across about someone who dares to bitch through blogging but not say it to her face, on Facebook. I'll like to stay optimistic but I'm pretty sure she is referring to me. Seems to fail to realise that she has done the same exact thing.

I'm the kettle. You're the pot. And we're all just black. Same thing, isn't it?

Note: I've already said what I wanted to you the other time. I've already apologised if I had upset you. I don't think I've ever bothered either one of you ever since. I only made a post about it right after the incident to vent my thoughts. If you feel the need to bring it up again after all this, you can do it. I don't have problems with people calling me a bitch. And definitely, I don't have a problem with you calling me anything else because I know that you don't know ME at all. Now, I hope you're done venting about me in your nicks and just leave it all behind.

What The...?

Feeling quite a bit irritated now. Ugh.

I am starting to wonder if I'm a magnet for trouble and dramas or something. Why is it that even when I do things out of sincerity and without a motive, that would cause misunderstandings etc?

Somehow a friend that I've known for a long time, but isn't very close to, had grown a disliking for me because I messaged her boy on Facebook. I'm not sure if she failed to realise that I messaged him to double check if he has added the wrong person. I never failed to mention her name in the messages often, just to make sure he doesn't get the wrong idea. He came around to asking me stuff, and since I was bored and taking a break from revising, I just shared a little bit.

Suddenly, I indirectly get told off by her. She might have been polite, but I could surely sense some sarcasm tone coming from her about appreciating me not messaging her bf. Maybe it was my fault to reply his messages, but when I first messaged him to clarify that he might have mistaken me for someone else, I definitely did not expect a reply. And hello, I would think I mentioned her name in 3/4 of the messages to 'send the message across not to misunderstand'.

If I had the intention to flirt with him, would I be that silly to do that? When I sent those messages, I already half-expected she might read them and to me, I still feel there was nothing to hide?

PLUS, he isn't even my kind to begin with?? And most important of all, I wouldn't mess with my friends' boys. Even if I didn't care what she thought about me, I would care about putting our mutual friend in such a rough spot. And I do hope her current MSN nick is not for me, because she poked her nose into people lives when its not even her *i quote* "FUCKING business". It doesn't matter that it was out of friendship or love for her closed ones, she's still definitely not practising what she preach.

I guess I can only console myself that life isn't life without regular drama every now and then. :/

A Moment of Truth.

Today is just a day I would like to make a mark. Because some truth hit me. All that I thought and believed were merely just an illusion.

I've been a fool, that's all I can say.

Same shit, different smell.

Why do I never learn? Sometimes, ignorance really is better. But if you never knew, you would just be deceived.

And it's about time I start learning how to be more of a bitch. I gotta be less gullible and stop being so naive.

I can't believe that even nice helpful gestures of mine, could be seen as weird.

I just wanna know what am I doing wrong. Am I just a joke? Does everyone hate me? The ones I care most for, always take what I've done for granted. Why is this always the case?

Finally, I've got my wake-up call. I think it's really time. For me to get rid of any hopes I had in me, in everything I believed in. I, am letting go of all. Because I'm tired. And it's all just not worth it.

Right now, I just feel a bit lonely. Worst still, I need to fake a smile up so that no one knows something is wrong and come asking me.

There I go. Now, I shall move somewhere else before I stink up the whole place.

Questions.

[Warning: Ultra Long Emo Post]
I talked to a friend today. And I couldn't help it but let the past come floating back. Anger? Nope. But the feeling of pain and betrayal, definitely. Unanswered questions in my head? Tonnes! I'll list some for you to see what's going on in my head. No wonder Vu said I'm just killing my head, aving so much shit cooped up in this tiny brain.

Mr. Ex:

Did you like her so much that you had to 'keep on asking her to give both of you a chance'? (or so they say)

If you loved her so much, why did you come back to me? Was it because you felt that you still loved me after all? Or was it because I was just the easier option?

But if you loved me so much, how come you went to her briefly at the first place?

If you chose to come back to me because you realised you still loved me, then why do you still stray around as if you're keeping your options open while we're both unattached? Instead of being more focused on trying to mend things with me, without being so inconsistent with your hot and cold days.

You guys told me that you chose not to let me know back then about the both of you, because you cared about my studies. If so, why not put a little more effort and not flirt online with your nicks two days before my exams? Doesn't it just contradict what you just said?

If you had to move on, couldn't you play somewhere else? And not 'eat and shit at the same place'? Did you think dating my friend was a great idea?

If you really aren't 'considering your options out there', why get all technical with me about feeling that you do not need to clarify or explain anything to me? Got something to hide? I mean, the reason I ask you stuff isn't because I'm trying to control you! I'm just giving you a chance to clarify instead of guessing or jumping into conclusions, which of course leads to misunderstandings and possible cold silent wars. Whenever you do that, it just pushes me further and further because you're turning into someone that I do not know of.

Even til now, I don't understand half the things you do. And I've stopped asking, because I know you wouldn't explain, we would just end up arguing which leads to no conclusion. And I'm tired.

Even when you make the first move to be nice to me now, I'm starting to be doubtful. And afraid. Doubtful because I'm not sure of your real intentions. Afraid, because you might leave me stranded when you build a hope for me that we are going to slowly put everything behind us and work things out. And yes, I'll admit it. As much as I'm trying to be strong, I'm too weak to play these neverending games with you. I'd rather you just break my heart and tell me there's not turning back except for a friendship, and stick to it. Or, focus on mending things with me. And be honest if there were options. At least, I'd know what I'm up for.

Sometimes, you always seem to forget that there's two of us in this wagon. You get on and off whenever you want to, but never cared if I might want to do the same. Or if I'm ready for all the sudden changes you put me through. Three years, and you're still doing whatever you like. The only time I get what I want, is when you are trying to get what YOU want.

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Ms. Friend:

I understand that it might have been hard for you to tell me the truth. And yes, maybe he told you not to. But why oh why, did you still not try to explain yourself after knowing that everything was out in the open already? Did I not even deserve an explaination?

If the excuse was because he told you not to talk to me, you should have kept it that way and not message me to look for him. If not, it just shows that you are being selective in doing what you've been told to do. If you can bring yourself to approach me to look for him "because it's important", I'm sure you could have done the same, just to apologise. It just show how important this two things were for you. Our friendship was never worth a cent for you. And that still hurts me up til now.

Maybe you felt bad then, not being able to tell me the truth. But if it was me, I would have felt bad the moment I realised I had feelings for my friend's ex - esp if she still had feelings for him. Yes, of course technically you aren't doing anything wrong. One can tell me that there are no 'rights and wrongs' in the name (or rather, game) of love. But I still believe, that morally, it doesn't seem right. And in the 'code of friendship', it just seems all too wrong. Just go outside your current circle of friends, how would they feel if this had happen to them. It doesn't really matter all that much that he was the one pursuing you. Or kept on persuading you to give it a go. What matters is, you did want it in your heart as well. Even before your previous relationship really ended.

One could quickly point out that I did something similar, as I knew my ex's ex. But as a small defence, I was with him before I got back in touch with her. And from what I heard, she has already moved on. So at least no one gets hurt. But yes, still it is weird. My fault for joining the trend of 'friend-hopping' relationships.

How can you not feel like you've done absolutely nothing wrong to me at all? Even if you aren't 'tehnically' wrong, wouldn't you even care how I would have felt, when I found out everything? Or how was I coping with it?

And of course, even with the blog incident. I'm pretty sure you are aware that you contributed a little bit to how things got so ugly between everyone (I read it in your sms to someone). If you could feel bad about it, why just let him know but not me? It was me that you were making all the false or exaggerated accusations on.

I don't know. Maybe you felt that our 'friendship' was a lost cause and didn't want to risk making things worse between us and therefore, just chose to leave me alone even without an explanation or apology. But texting him back then about this, was just a waste of your time. If he'd cared, it wouldn't reach this point, would it?

***************************************************************************************

And that's what I've been trying to tell myself. If he cared, both of us wouldn't have reach this point. What's the point of caring only a little? It's just not enough! I can't settle with someone who only cares for me on a seasonal basis. Or when he's got no options out there. I need to be with someone who knows I'm the one he wants. And that I'm just not some backup option to run to. I need to be reassured that mistakes won't happen again. And not just someone who points out mistakes in our history in order to defend their current faults. Because, if you could explain your beliefs and principles of how things were wrong back then, why do it now? Aren't you just contradicting yourself? Two wrongs, really doesn't make one right. I need a guy that wipes the tears off my cheeks, not plant them on my cheeks in the first place.

Are you that person?

PS: I didn't write this to scold anyone of you. I'm sure that I must have contributed some faults somewhere in between. I'm not perfect, but at least I seem to be aware of it? These are just the questions floating around my mind for at least a couple of months.

At the end of the day, I can't blame anyone. Why? Because it's my own fault. When you let the same person hurt you over and over again, you're asking for trouble. It's your fault that you don't learn your lesson. It's your fault that you let it happen again. Your fault for not believing you could deserve or find someone better. Your fault for being so soft-hearted.

Maybe it's even my fault that I wasn't a good enough girlfriend. For the both of them - so as to put more consideration about my feelings and how things would turn out. Because of a short fling, many got hurt. Ties got severed. Wounds would remain. Who do you blame for the short term moment of passion? Just because of loneliness? No one. Shit happens, I suppose.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to me. My fault for my own stupidity. I let it all happen. And once wasn't enough for me, so I let it hit me over and over again.

So the final question is: At this crossroad, I'm at a halt. What do I do? Where do I go? To stay or to walk away? To follow the heart or listen to the mind? When something that feels so right is actually wrong, what do one chose to do? Yes, many questions all boils down to the same answer. And I'm lost. Answers, anyone?

One Last Note.

I'll leave you alone, if you do not attempt anything anymore. Surprise surprise, I found your blog awhile ago.

You could close down your blog or change the blog address, but it doesn't matter. I know the reason is because you wrote too much and can't afford to let the wrong people to read it. Like me. And someone else that I know of. I will not do the same because I feel I have nothing to hide. I might make mistakes, but it's clear for everyone to see. And let me know if I did.

Don't let me find out that you try to attack me that way again. If you got something to say, put them in constructive criticism. Not just lashing out at me about wanting to seduce a guy you were supposedly over. I'm not the prettiest little thing but I don't need to stoop to the level of stealing people's boyfriends or use 'tricks' like you've said.

Yes, what I did might have been just as childish today, but it's my way of telling you not to mess with me. All this while, I've tried to hold myself back from doing anything extremely stupid. I've been trying to let go and move on.

This has better end for good now. If something comes up again, I PROMISE you it'll be interesting. Because I won't let people bully me for nothing anymore.

To: Me Yucky.

I could only thank my friend, for letting me know that she found something interesting for me to read. :) Anyway, since YOU want to talk so much, you should hear what I've got to say as well. I'm sure you are DYING for a reply from me. And there you go. Enjoy.

For your info, my lil' "friend", I did not speak much to RS because of certain misunderstandings that came up every now and then. However, we were not enemies - just that I'm sometimes angry at him because I did not understand half the things he did until we finally talked about it. I do not care if RS wants to get back together with me or not for what I've apparently done, because it's not my fault in the first place. He chose to leave me over matters that could be solved. I'm not going to sit there and standby while he happily decides to leave me and then wants me back later on. And YOU don't know OUR history, and you do not know what mistakes he has done before either so do not try to share your two cents here. It's not like I cheated on him or something. Plus, the reason he did not want to get back together with ME, was just in case I repeat the same mistakes his EX did, that very good friend of yours, whose name I shall not mention here. :) He made THAT very CLEAR when we talked about this. What did she do? Go and ask your good friend to share her history with you.

And after I found out about you two, we were NOT enemies. It took me a couple of days to settle down but we were still on talking terms. I didn't stand around chit-chatting with him, because I had my exams. But he was still nice to me and talked to me online, as a friend. And cared and helped if I needed any, contrary to your belief. It was him that hoped we could still be good friends like before. I was aware that I can feel sad about what happened but I couldn't blame him for it, because our relationship was over. I'm not sure if he gave you the impression that we were ENEMIES, but I can tell you that we weren't. If he did, that's his fault. Not mine. :)

We initially had lunch and dinner because we happened to be out together. It was just something we did before we headed back home. I don't think there was anything wrong about it, esp since I assumed that you KNEW about it (when I did not know that you two were over - and if you must know, I STILL do not know when did you two break up because I did not ASK).

If it means anything at all, I did NOT invite him over. I just did not decline his offer to watch a show together, as I was very sure that's all we are doing. And you may think of him differently, but I know that he would NOT make any move on me if he was still together with you. It's not like I would have allowed ANYTHING to happen because I thought that you two were together. If I had any bitchy intentions of trying to steal him back, I would have attempted it long ago, when I found out? And there were people who actually ENCOURAGED me to try get him back, but *I* refused to because I felt that he's made his choice and stealing someone's guy isn't my style.

If you think this is a cheap way to get back at me, just because you realised what is going on, go on. I won't stop you. Maybe you can feel a little bit of what I felt when I found out the real truth as well. What can you blame me for? Not sleeping on the sofa in the living room, and let him continue sleeping on my bed? If so, FINE. My fault. Hope you feel heaps better.

And why are you so mad about it? I thought you two broke up already? If you're still together with him now, then I can understand a lil' better why you're being so mad? You said you're fine about it already, right? I did not even SUGGEST that we watch a movie together, let alone have him fall asleep on my bed. So what 'tricks' did I use? I am not THAT cheap to long for small little things like this. I've got my pride to keep, and so, I want things that belongs to me find its own way back to me. Not by using cheap tricks.

First of all, even such a small thing like this can make you angry. And blog your anger and curse me. How did you think I would feel when I find out the truth before? So big deal if I did a bit of complaining about you.

Yes, maybe I do not know the whole truth. I do not care if you tried rejecting him at first or there's some twist to your lovely romantic story. Then again, whose fault was it? You had the chance to explain but you didn't. Even after our very last misunderstanding, I warned you in advance that if you think you are beginning to like RS etc, let me know so that I shall prepare myself for it, and do not take me as a fool. I am pretty sure I said if I find out that you hide this from me and I knew you two were together, I would 'diu chow' with you. Please excuse my language, but I think I made it very clear back then. You said OK, YOU WILL. It's bad enough that I need to accept that a person I sincerely took as a good friend would even THINK of dating my ex, but I'm already giving you half the green light, just as long as YOU TELL ME in advance. Which you did not. Not many people find such things acceptable, ya know. It's like recycling boyfriends. And I wouldn't do such a thing to a person I care about as a friend. Maybe I wasn't really a friend to you, that I will never know.

If I was gonna act childish, you have no idea what I would have done, ok? There were heaps of childish troubles I could have caused for you.

:: Its all about karma. Honey, enjoy yours now : ) :: Exactly. What has it got to do with you?? A little oversensitive, don't you think? If you don't think it has anything got to do with you, it's because IT DOESN'T!! So no one is asking you to give a damn. And what karma am I deserving? The only karma I got was having a friend that betrayed my trust, that's all. Wait, did I say 'friend'? I meant friendS. Every single time I remember how your good friend messaged me not to tell YOU about RS' things anymore, gets my anger all fired up again. If she did not message me that (which shows that she obviously was supporting you) or got involved, I wouldn't be annoyed with her as well. All the shit about asking me to let nature take its course.

Do you know I was already slowly trying to move on and I did not want to have anything got to do with you anymore? So when you blocked me on MSN - I thought it would be the end of our arguements.

All the talk about 'barking alone' and not talking to idiot, but then you decided to blog it out here. Real smart move, my dear. It doesn't make a difference. So look like I'm not the only 'idiot' around, isn't it? And too late, you've already degraded yourself by doing this today. I did not message you on MSN since 'miyake-ing and reesion-ing' because I DELETED you off MSN, just to make sure I do not go crazy and attack you online. I wanted to see if YOU would approach me and try to explain yourself and make an attempt to mend our friendship. But I guess you felt that I wasn't worth your try. Anyway, I left it at that and there you came, messaging me looking for him. Yes, you didn't do anything wrong - but just ask ANYONE, and they will say that what you did was bloody insensitive.

I don't need you to know what I think. I do not care if you ever read my blog. My blog are meant for my working friends who are too busy to chat and catch up with me online on MSN. Actually, I would appreciate it if you don't. :) I'm pretty sure you and your good friend would check on people's Multiply (after signing out first) or view people's Friendster anonymously so that you can still look at people's personal page without them knowing that you did. (Your good friend told me she did that to *someone* so I'm sure it's the kind of thing that you guys do).

If you think I'm such a person, I shall not defend myself over it. Just seems like talking to you nearly on a daily basis have not given you a single clue about me. Seems like RS has learnt nothing as well. What I've gathered about you - I shall not say. But if they are true, you're not such a great person yourself. And who is RS to judge me, when ALL my friends know how bloody stubborn he is in certain point of views.

So is Miss S angry at your good friend for betraying RS so many times before as well? And didn't he forgive her so many times before anyway? I don't see her being so mad at him last time. Oh right, because that person is her good friend. Please get your facts straight - I did not 'betray him so many times'. If he told you such a thing, it's just to get you on his side. Just like the stories he told me about his EX. She can 'shoot' all she want, it really doesn't matter. But instead of being so pissed about RS and me, she should be pissed to know that she has such 'great' friends like you two, always telling me her 'lovely' private stories. :) Only if she knew...tsk tsk. Anyway, none of you have the right to judge anyone or look down on other people. I'm sure heaps of people know how complicated your love relationships were before - because lots of stories have reached my ears ages ago.

Anyway, I realised that I've said too much. I did not have to explain what actually happened, or to clear your misunderstandings towards me or RS. If you got something to say to him, go ahead. I don't have to explain anything to you anymore since you're no longer his gal.

And until now, you still do not get the point why I am angry at YOU. It looks WRONG to date your friend's ex. It isn't wrong, but it doesn't look RIGHT either. I could have slowly accepted such a fact, but what I am PISSED about is I really took you as a friend. That is why I still talked to you and didn't keep all the previous misunderstandings in my heart. I accepted what you had to say, and just put it behind us.

I confided in you so much about how I felt, while you were hiding such a big thing from me. How STUPID did you think I felt when I finally found out? How HURT do you think I felt when I knew that someone I trusted so much, did such a thing to me? Just put yourself in my shoes for ONCE and imagine what it would have felt like, if you can't even take such a small thing now? And when you knew that I knew the truth, you did not even ATTEMPT to apologise or explain yourself.

Just ask your good friend if she lost her current boy and has been telling you how sad she is and how much she misses him, only to find out later that you were his current chick. Just imagine that feeling of betrayal. Then you'll know what I'm talking about. Oh wait, she should already have felt it before in high school. If she can't remember who I'm talking about, I can kindly remind her.

And I'm not sure if you understand the lyrics well enough, but seems like it's something you should direct towards HIM, instead of me :)

Again and again, I've left you alone. Just remember that it was always you that approached me. And always, the wrong way or for the wrong reasons. I do not want to retaliate anymore, because it'll just be a blog war. Don't waste my time. Hope you've read enough of what you wanted. And keep your silence.

:: Edit// Oh, it's a hell long composition because I had to reply to mostly what you wrote in your blog, since you just had so much to say.

Past Reflection.

I know I haven't been sharing everything in here. Nor have I given enough details for some to figure out what is going on in my life. But then again, my close ones should know what's happening and that's all that matters.

Anyway it's been a busy month, so everytime I try to post something up, I get the guilt trip of wasting my time blogging away while I should be revising instead and everything will be saved onto draft mode hehe.

If I were to write this post at the beginning of the month, I would have been bawling my eyes out, being hurt and angry at the same time. I managed to find out about some things and got really upset. I was in so much shock, and my hand were shaking for a few good hours. Spent the whole weekend in full blast pain, and having my real friends dry my tears for me. I'm not sure what bothered me more. Knowing that my ex has finally moved on with a so-called friend. Or that, my friend has taken me for a fool and betrayed my trust. For nearly a month. Hell, I just knew it hurt back then. And it still does, whenever I think about it.

Any reason would just be defensive excuses for me, really. If they chose not to tell me earlier because my finals were around the corner, I'm pretty sure they would have been more discreet about their personal messages in their MSN. And knowing that my ex who was the one that made her keep it there for a few whole days, made me wonder if this was how he showed that he cared for my feelings or exams. And her pushing all the blame to him doesn't help, because I know she is a very strong-opinionated girl who wouldn't just listen to you unless it's something that she wants for herself as well. So, please don't underestimate me and assume I'll just take in whatever you have to tell me.

What hurts most was that I was given the impression that she had rejected him before, but he kept on pursuing her. Wow, he must really like her then. I guess if he has found someone he really liked, I'll be happy for him. But of course, I admit it hurts to know that, as I'm not completely healed yet.

What else? Well, it's enough between me and her. I left her alone once I knew, and I don't think she will be bothering me anymore on MSN etc, which is most probably the best thing to do, esp when I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life.

And then there was the shitty CPA results I had. I lost my ex's camera in a cab on the way to Lavish. Bumped into a friend who clearly seem to feel akward to see or talk to me. Ah, the works. Nothing good has happened, really. I can even come home to find Kooky's small pile of puke at the end of my quilt cover. That's just one of the few things I come across, nearly on a daily basis. Especially this month, it was like a bad luck galore for me. :(

And just last weekend, I've already posted an entry on some unpleasant surprises. Which was ironic. Because I received the call, the second I finished reading this in one of my daily horoscope forecast readings online - a daily routine of mine:-

You're definitely not on your game - and everyone around you is trying to think of yet another way to tell you all about it. Stop sighing, and don't pout any more. Your task now is to take your medicine, hibernate, lick your wounds and then give it another shot.

And then the drama unfolded a short while later. :/

Not forgetting, I managed to find out some things that pierced through my heart like a knife, just a couple of hours before my very last paper for the semester. Have you ever seen a person that goes in for a paper and weeps while doing it? Yeap, I have. The 3 whole hours, thoughts of them and the facts I found out, kept running in my head. So I think I screwed this paper. Heck, I think I shitted all my final papers this semester, having so much going on in my mind. Anyway, I'm just numb from all the pain, really.

I just wanna let go of everything and move on. Start a new life.

So, I was really looking forward to going back this holidays to rejuvenate myself, and start over a new life before I come back to Melbie once again. But woohoo, my bad luck streak has yet to end! I was caught in a jam on my way to the airport and arrived just in time for the check-in counter to close. So I could not board the plane. I even went to the airport again at night for a couple of hours, just to be a passenger on standby - hoping that some passengers would not board the plane at the last minute. Well, there was only one seat and it wasn't for me. Bah.

I felt really down. Texted my Melbourne babes about me not being able to make it onto that flight. Shwee asked me to join her at some Asian night event her friends organised and I agreed. Not because I am a clubaholic, but because I wanted company. Not be home, stuck in my own room alone without even having the pussies as company now. Music + dancing is always good. Usually manages to cheer me up esp with good company. :) June said I'm the champion - miss my flight, still can go clubbing. Cheh, as if sitting around mopping around would bring my flight back meh? If she was here, I'm sure she would personally drive me out to Shamiano or watever club it was.

And I would say, it turned out to be not bad. Not as crowded as most clubs, but all that mattered was that my girls were with me. Now, if June was around too, it would have been perfect. Talked to a few new friends, whom I met at Lavish and at a karaoke session that Pat invited me to, last Wednesday night. I would have stayed out a little longer and joined my friends at a home session, but for some reason, one of my gals from KL was worried sick about me and insisted that I go home early =.=".

Late at night, Bie offered to watch a movie together. I wasn't sure why he would suddenly offer such a thing, as he hasn't for quite some time. But since we were both bored and fresh awake, and I was still feeling the blues of not being able to go home, I agreed. He fell asleep by my side, and I didn't have the heart to wake him up to shoo him back into his room. Maybe I should have, since I was trying to move on. And it's not MY style to even LOOK like I'm hooking up with someone else's boy. Not that I care so much this time, not exactly my friend's boy, ain't it?

But yes, I must thank him and say that I'm grateful that he's been somewhat attempting to be around and accompany me since Wednesday. But I gotta admit that sometimes, I feel his actions confuse me a bit. Maybe he's just trying to be nice and care for me as a good friend. And I'm just over-analysing the situation. It's just that he seem to care more than the past couple of weeks, so I'm wondering why?

Of all things, I wouldn't want to be some sort of replacement girl for him, just because his chick isn't physically around to spend time with him. Or because she's been neglecting him etc.

No point pondering so much on these issues, I guess. I'm just trying to live life one day at a time. :) I guess I'd better start thinking how to spend this holidays.

A Small Grunt.

As I've been slowly trying to pick up the pieces of my life off the floor, a double combo came and hit me on the forehead.

First, a random call from a drunk certain someone. Telling me all sorts of nonsense which would mean nothing by tomorrow morning. A call that hasn't come through for a couple of months. And suddenly, here it is. It's nothing, really. But flashbacks of memories - good and bad - all came back for a sec.

As I was still dazed, I was left with Kooky's pile of vomit due to overeating (that black Nigger's gotta know when to stop eating man!) to clean up. And when I came back to my laptop, I stared with disbelief at my screen when I received a MSN message from someone I would never want to hear from again.

She had the nerve to ask me if my ex was sleeping. And I had no idea, why would i just reply her with an honest answer instead of just totally ignoring her, or let the bitch in me come out full-on to deal with her. Maybe I'm just really tired and sick to deal with all this anymore.

But, it wasn't enough for her.

Th[i]s.[i]s.m[i]- °© [?] .?.LongLiveLove.? says:
he didnt reply my msg and pick up my calls, i got something to ask.

And went on to ask me if I'm SURE that he is awake. Anyway I told her I wasn't sure and just proceed to say that I hope she won't come to me looking for him everyday unless its a life or death situation. I think I've had enough disrespect from this already. Enough is enough.

Come on, am I being too much, really? Tell me if I am. But in my opinion, I think she's being pretty insensitive. She had no qualms of not talking to me since she had the nerve to put reesioning all over her MSN personal message to let me see during early June, two days before one of my papers, to be exact. She did not even once apologise for doing these to me. For not telling me the truth any earlier. She did not attempt to even explain herself at all.

I'm not saying that I would welcome her back and be all lovey dovey with her if she did, but at least I would know she did partly feel bad for what happened. But not even once, did I hear from her until now. When she finally can't reach him just because he might have fallen asleep. As if what was done before, didn't already hurt enough?!

Really, I'm numb. I'm not sure whether to feel hurt or angry at her. It doesn't matter, I suppose. I believe in karma. For you and that good friend of yours.

On a totally random note, I miss June. She left Melbourne this afternoon and I feel the emptiness already. At the end of the day, it's always her that is around for me and bothers to look for me. Ah, I forsee a lonely week ahead of me.

I'm just stoning in front of the laptop screen. So many thoughts. No idea how to express them out.

I've made mistakes in my life. I don't deny it. But of all things, I would never hurt or betray my good friends. NEVER.

But again and again, in my life and among the different circle of friends I've been in, something would surely come up. Usually not my direct circle of friends but nevertheless, people that I trust and always confide to.

I just feel SO sick of this.

Why is my life so full of drama these days??

Do you know it fucking hurts? To find out more and more things everyday? To know someone u still love have moved on with a friend that you talked to nearly everyday online? To find out that despite the couple of misunderstandings that has occured, I have accepted her explanations with no questions asked? Only to discover that she's taken me for a fool for a whole month?

I told you. Don't take me as a fool. Don't let me be the last to know. You agreed.

The fact that he has moved on, and that he misunderstood me, has hurt more than enough. Knowing the girl is someone I trust countless times, hurts even more. And to know that you couldn't respect me enough for this, has really crossed the line.

Only you would understand.

A little message to the three unique people in my life :)

Miss L:

I'll tell you what I think of you. I treated you nothing less than a good friend. That is why I confided in you for the past couple of months. And I trusted you with him. Even when I had my suspicions that something wasn't right between you and him, I gladly took your explanations, with no further questions. It was because I really wanted to believe that you are a sincere friend.

If you made an honest mistake, and accidentally leaked out what we talked about, fine. I can accept that. But to make it sound like I was intentionally speculating about people's past, is just unfair. Hell, YOU mentioned about things that I totally forgot about.

I may be thinking too much but I'm pretty sure you blocked me on MSN. It doesn't make any sense and I have no idea why? Doesn't matter. It's your choice. Have fun sms-ing with him everynight again.

***

Miss C:

I did not intentionally bring things up. To defame you. You should know me better than that. Sometimes things happen. You talk, the topic comes up. Just like how you would tell me things about your good friend. Now, if she was to found out you told me such and such, do you think she would have appreciated you telling me about her personal things? I didn't think so. Point taken?

If you're gonna be so sensitive about this, you shouldn't have done it in the first place?? I didn't even see it as anything negative but you are ashamed of it yourself. I apologised anyway and if you wanna take this like this, I can't be bothered. Just don't act like you're really innocent and hasn't shared news about your friends with me. You can block me all you want as well. And taking me off your friendster's featured friends list just because of this? Wow, real classic move. I thought we were grown ups.

***

Mr T:

I really thought that the talk we had two nights ago had took us to a better level. Things were clarified and I expected things to improve between us.

But, knowing that you actually tried to lie to me for her at first, disappointed me. I would have appreciated more honesty from you. Maybe I was too naive to believe that I deserved that much from you. And you know what? I really feel offended when people think that they can breeze past me with a lie when I can look right through them. I know I don't look like the smartest thing but I think I would know you well enough to know when you are lying and when you aren't. Sometimes I ask because I've giving you a chance to clarify yourself.

Anyway, it's good to know where you stand.

***

Now, do you see what kind of shitty things that are going on in my life? I'm pretty sure you've observed that a lot of my posts are pretty moody these days. I've been holding on to these thoughts for quite awhile. It was just the stupid revisions that were holding me back. Of course, I'm not saying I'm all right. But sometimes, these people only think about their own shoes.

I can't wait til the days just get brighter and I can blog like a pure bimbo.

Disappointment

In my whole life, I wouldn't be surprised to be accused of certain things. Just because it's human nature that people often find it easier to blame others rather than themselves. And sometimes, I just force myself to swallow them and forget about it, rather than fight for myself and clear my name.


But maybe because I look like a pushover sometimes, people think it's fun to pick on me when things turn wrong. But you crossed the line when you accuse me of bad-mouthing a good friend that I truly care about. If I was blamed for giving out a little too much information, that I can accept. Because sometimes, you aren't aware what you say might potentially hurt or harm others in the future. That's my bad. Possibly my fault. But only applicable when I'm not told what CAN'T be said.


But intentionally bitching about a close friend? I wouldn't. Esp not the ones who treated me with nothing but kindness. So, I'm disappointed. Really. How people can simply believe their boyfriends and not even confront their good friend about the truth FIRST. You have the rest of your life to be pissed. Can't you even investigate first? To think that a seven year friendship would at least deserve that.


I've finally seen the true colors of your boyfriend. I've heard about it before, but finally met the real person he is tonight. I wish you all the best of luck, with him.

Closing Ceremony of Commonwealth Games 2006

Yishyene gave Jason & I free tickets for the closing ceremony. She got them from volunteering to participate in one of the performances.













Our seats were pretty good. Took this shot before the thing started.













Oh-so-hot but oh-so-gay. Why? Just tell me why. If you're gonna be gay, at least leave this kinda bodies to the straight ones right?













Yish made me wear her wig. She look so adorable in it, actually. I wanna put a picture of her in her costume here but I better get her permission first. She might kill me in a million ways.


********************************************

The Bitch From Hell


Okay, I promise to tell you guys what happened with Jason's mum if I had the chance. Well, I might as well do it now.


Jason came over to spend time with Yishyene and all. They went out for dinner with another couple and came back around 10+pm. I talked Jason into staying over, so that Yish could spend more time with him. It's been extra hard for them to meet because his mum followed him over to Melbourne just to make sure he's not seeing her anymore. Can you imagine that?!


Finally, he agreed and sent his mum a sms saying he is gonna spend the night at his friends' house since it was getting late. His mum started calling him nonstop and left voices messages and smses. Then she went on to calling his friends to track him down. How did she get those numbers? He left his old mobile at home. Smart move.


Okay, to cut things short. Jason was getting annoyed and embarassed because his friends called to tell him that his mum called, looking for him. So he finally picked up her call. He put her on loudspeaker. I'm too lazy to give the exact details. Plus, Yish wanna do the telling first. So I shall somewhat summarise it and tell when I remembered.


Her mum was screaming at the top of her lungs non-stop. I don't think Jason even had the chance to explain or talk. She was so unreasonable, it left me speechless.


'You come back home right now, Jason. YOU COME BACK NOW!!'


'You wanna go out with her, you go. But you know I disapprove of you staying over.' Right. If he was leaving the house, telling her that he's gonna meet Yish, I bet she will scream at the top of her lungs and set the house on fire.


'Everytime you go and find that bitch, it's like a bloody slap to my face.' She just contradicted herself. And I think, he should find Yish much more often then.


'Who's supporting you, huh? Have you no shame at all? WHO IS SUPPORTING YOU?! You ask that bitch to support you lah!'


It was after this sentence, that I couldn't stand her mum anymore. I mean she talked a way lot more rubbish but this were the highlighted area. Obviously, Yish couldn't defend herself because she was showering during the whole time.


I decided to be a bitch as well and chipped in.


We had a screaming marathon for a short while. I guess she thought that I was Yishyene. Kept on calling me a bitch so I just told her its just one talking to another of the same kind. :D Accusing me nonsense about pre-marital sex with Jason. Sheesh, just because he is staying over? Jason must be having the time of his life then. Two chicks in the house, just for him.


Anyway, right before she ended the call. She threatened to call the police. It makes me laugh, just thinking about it. What is she gonna say? 'I would like to make a report. My 23-year-old son refuses to come home to me.'

a) He isn't missing. He just refuses to go home.
b) He is above the age of 21. She cannot force him to do anything.
c) It's not even 24 hours yet if the above cannot apply.
d) She is the one who is phone-harassing everyone else after midnight.


Anyway, I would have never thought it was in me. To shout like that. At someone's mum. But I feel so bad for Jason, who needs to face her every single day. I personally don't think she will stop supporting Jason's education, but I guess he chooses to be on the safe side. I feel bad for my dear Yishyene too. Just suddenly put in this kind of situation, having a mad woman against her and trying to make everyone else hate her too. :(


Hang in there, Yish. I still love you no matter what. I will scream at his mum a million times for you, if I need to.


Bags 4ever :)